Time to just be

I have been trying to start this blog post for some time now. I've been looking for a way to say something really hard for me.

First of all I'll start off by saying that the hip replacement surgery/recovery is going pretty well. I still have pain, but it is less and less every week. I stopped physical therapy, it was not right for me- it hurt me too much and the physical therapist wasn't listening to me. My doctor said I didn't need it anyway, it was my idea to do some physical therapy. If I can be consistent in going to the gym that will be enough. Thing is, I haven't been consistent about going to the gym. Truth is I've been practically inactive. I'm fed up with my leg hurting, although I know I need to work on it, but it keeps me feeling like I just don't want to bother anymore with getting in shape and staying healthy. I don't know if it's because of Corona that I am feeling so non-mobile, tired all the time and slightly depressed. I should get my blood tested, often after surgeries I'm anemic, that could be influencing me.

I am back to my Jewelry making course/job. It's a course and a job. My training is almost finished then I start to work on things that the center will sell. I recently finished a set of a pendant and earrings; it was very challenging! I made it from scratch, with sterling silver this time. Here's a picture:

All kinds of soldering and filing and soldering again. And all the solders have to be a different melting point because there is a risk of loosening other earlier solders while doing more than one solder. This was a hard project, but I did it! I had a couple of mistakes along the way, but my teacher helped fix them. I'm kinda proud of my creation. :)

I don't know how long I'll be in this job, I see it as temporary, but it could be longer term. It's up to me. At this point it's only three days a week, mornings until 12:30. That's OK though, I don't want to work full-time. This body has been through so much, I need to rest more than other people, I think. It leaves plenty of time for me to go to the gym, though, I just have to *get* there.

The hard thing I've been avoiding writing about is this....

I've decided to quit playing horn.

It's been one of the hardest decisions of my life; I always go back to horn playing no matter how long the break. I did quit once before for two years after I finished undergraduate school. I needed a break from the pressure of being a scholarship student and needing to play for a jury once every three months to keep my scholarship. Lots of pressure there. I started again though after two years, and was quite successful. Then I went to New England Conservatory for graduate school. From there with my fresh master's degree in hand, I made aliyah to Israel and got an orchestra job here within the first two weeks of being in the country. I only left the orchestra to concentrate more on my doula practice, which was booming at the time. Two weeks after I tendered my resignation, I got sick with NF after a hernia surgery. I had to stop all work eventually, and totally stopped playing horn *and* my doula work because of my health problems. I started and stopped a few times within these 13 years that I've been dealing with health problems. I joined a volunteer orchestra, and that was good for me for a while. But honestly it's not enough to keep me going. 

Last summer I had my big abdominal surgery and things have never been 100% right since. I mean, in the big picture there has been tremendous improvement in quality of life; my abdominal pain I had day-in-day-out is gone, but I still have some abdominal pain when I play, and that's not going away, I've felt it for a year now. I have resigned myself to that fact that it's not going away.

I was playing consistently through the Corona lock-down and everything, and then I stopped playing the day before my hip replacement surgery two and a half months ago. I have been just avoiding starting up again. I've been doing a lot of soul-searching about this, and I realized that for a long time now I haven't enjoyed practicing at all. It is a burden to me, and I watch the clock when I do practice. I've decided not to start up again. It is just so hard for me with no real goals to play for. It feels like a marriage that is breaking up, not because the two parties don't like each other, but there is no love. It's friendship on the good days, but loveless. I have decided not to do the things that don't give me joy. Thing is it leaves a big hole for something else to come up. I did the two week bituach le'umi (national health insurance) professional evaluation, and on Sunday I have a meeting to see what their suggestions are for what direction a possible new career can take. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I have a lot of free time on my hands, and I rest a lot. Life is certainly different than how it used to be. Before I got sick, I would have never guessed that I'd be 52 with no career and not much work. It's very strange, and can be disorienting.

But stopping playing horn is the big news. I'm sad about it, and relieved at the same time. Sad just like someone going through an amicable divorce. Me and my horn have been together since I was 10. It got me places, got me many things. I was respected at the job, and I felt self respect also. In a way I wish I never left the orchestra. But getting sick I might not have been able to play anyway. In fact I know I wouldn't have been able to. Many years I dealt with health issues and one surgery after another after I had NF. 

So here I am, open to possibilities, but at the moment satisfied to have a lot of time to rest and just Be. Sometimes I feel a little unhinged by it all, though.

Post-op one month

Hip replacement recovery is going pretty well. I am still having pain, and taking medicines against the pain, but it is improving. I can do stairs much easier now, too, and I just started to walk around without the cane. What is the reward for improvement? Harder physical therapy.... my physical therapist worked me much harder and longer today, and I'm so sore.

I am back to making dinners though when I can. I can stand and cook for a half hour or so, and having cooked meals around is very important with three kids home. They are constantly hungry.

I am getting better, and it's time to revisit what am I going to do for the rest of my life. I wish I still had my careers, but the truth is I just don't. I can't live for who I used to be, I have to focus my eyes forward and go from here. Truthfully I feel like I've just lost all my ambition, all my strive. Nothing interests me anymore, and I feel awful about that. I have spent too many years out of the work force, and I lost my ambition. I have had so many health challenges that it just kept me out of the game.

I plan to go back to finish the two-week evaluation at the national health service (Bituach Leumi), then go back to the Jewelry making job. But that's not for the rest of my life. It can be for a number of years if I want it to be, though. I will get back to practicing horn, but somehow between these last 13 years of not playing professionally I lost my drive. I need a goal to play for something specific. I will re-join the Gedera community orchestra that I was playing in before Corona hit, but that's a few hours once a week, and not on a high level. It is fun, though. I like the people.
I cannot work full time at this point in my life. My body has just been through too much to make that happen. Robert keeps encouraging me to go back to my birthing classes, but like I said, I lost my ambition.

I do plan on doing birthing classes for one very special couple, though, in the coming months... Dov and Achinoam are expecting. :) I'm going to be a grandma, please G-d! That is exciting.

Life is so complicated. On the one hand I still have three kids at home, but they are of the age that I don't have to take care of them all the time. On the other hand, I have lost my careers to health crises, and I can't ever get them back. There are twists and turns to life that can be very upsetting and depressing, but there is also so much goodness. I can't live for who I used to be. I can't work full time anymore, and I have no ambition to get things going for myself. That's where I'm at, and owning it will hopefully help me to move on. Healing more from this hip replacement will also help me move on. Everything at the right time. I look forward to getting back to the schedule of the Jewelry making job in the morning, the gym and practicing in afternoons, making dinners every day and feeling like my life is worthwhile every day. Right now it's challenging to remember that my life is worthwhile. It's challenging.

The soul's time to heal

Well, the dust has settled after the wedding. The young couple is settling in to their new apartment in Bet She'an, and Dov is back in the army during the week. They have Shabbats together, sometimes by themselves, sometimes by her family, and sometimes here with us.

I still have some lumps and swollen places from my fall down the stairs, those are going to take time. I got really lucky with that- it was 11 hard marble stairs, and I went tumbling down all of them, couldn't catch myself. I'm totally OK, thank Gd.

Life these days remains confusing.
One large surgery healed my body... what can heal my soul now? Things are so different than they were before I got sick. I know that is the understatement of the century (for those of you who knew me before I got sick, you know what I mean).

I am playing horn, practicing almost every day, and playing in the Gadera orchestra once a week.
I am also swimming at the pool a few times a week. Problem is that I am not enjoying these things (and I keep getting swimmer's ear). I do them because I have a make-believe checklist in my head of things I have to get done. Also making dinner for the kids; I used to enjoy that. It seems like the enjoyment is out of these things I do. I keep doing them, but it is hard to motivate myself when I don't really get enjoyment out of them. This is part of depression.

I am doing the jewelry making four times a week, mornings until 12:30. I like that, it gets me out of bed and doing something. I need a reason to get out of bed or else I don't get out of bed. (truly- it's not good). I've made three rings so far and am in the middle of making a small round silver box (these things are not for selling, I am still learning. Soon I will make things to sell there). I like the skills I'm learning. Especially soldering.

My health is good. Baruch Hashem. I have a few things to tend to, but nothing too serious. I've never been in this position- that my health is good, and I'm not working at my careers. I'd have to practice a lot more if the orchestra I used to play with is going to hire me as an extra sometimes. They haven't told me that, I just know. And as far as birthing work, I have no motivation. Like I said, nothing in life feels motivating. I have a child who also has nothing going on all day, and I see us as mirrors for each other. He went downhill when I did a few years ago when my abdominal pain got really bad. Now he is stuck in quite a terrible rut, and I don't know how to get him out of it. He just turned 20, but....it's complicated. I don't want to talk about him too much in the blog. It's not fair to him. But it is a source of *a lot* of heartache for me.

I am still getting used to life healthy. It was twelve years of health troubles, then one big surgery last summer, and now about seven months of being healthy. I still get twinges of pain in my abdomen, especially when I play horn, but it's nothing like what it used to be. And my hips still hurt me from time to time, but I'm taking this stuff for them is really helping. It's a supplement called CetylPure, for joint health. It is really working, my hips hurt less when I take this stuff twice a day. It works on the collagen in the joints. I highly recommend this stuff for anyone with hurting joints, especially from surgeries and arthritis. I am postponing my hip replacement because of it. This supplement is buying me time.

In a few weeks I start the two week evaluation from Bituach Leumi (National health care). I have no idea what to expect. I'll miss two weeks of the jewelry making. It is supposed to be an evaluation to see what career options are best suited to me. Should be interesting learning the results. What are they going to do for two weeks? Must be some thorough evaluation.

To sum it all up, I am still suffering from depression, and complex-PTSD, and I don't know where to turn anymore. I have a decent therapist, and I take my medication. I sleep most nights with the help from the Cannabis. I'd hate to think this is my lot for the rest of my life. I think I need to be busier doing productive things. Isn't that what every human needs, to feel they are a contributing member of society and not just a body taking up space? I feel awful. I gotta stop writing, it's making it worse. I think that is why I am not writing my blog much anymore, it no longer helps me to feel better. This stuff is too deep to write about and feel better afterward. Some things don't have "feel better" solutions. Taking care of my soul (and my children's) is much harder than focusing on my body's [medical] problems that I used to have.