There is just Too Much Heaviness in my life to "put on a happy face". I can't. I'm mourning. It's so heavy, I can hardly bear it. But yet, I am bearing it. My friend and spiritual healer Miriam Maslin says that I have gone through worse. I can remember being in worse situations, but the edge wears off. Hashem protects us from recalling that edge as time wears on.
I am on the edge of crying, or am deeply crying every day. I didn't know how hard this was going to land. I'm of course talking abut my friend Sabrina's passing. I think, also, because my father was here when she passed away, I had to stash my feelings away for the time he was here so I could be with him. Oh, and he was sick with pneumonia. Then, the day after he left, we went away for a Shabbat for a batMitzvah of the daughter of close friends... and I locked up my mourning box for that, too, of course. I can't charade anymore, though. I'm not really making it by faking it. Not for this.
This is paraphrased from a letter I wrote to my friend/spiritual healer:
I miss Sabrina so much. We were very connected, and she was in my thoughts all the time. All the time. I visited with Tessa the other day, that was great. I saw Sabrina's necklace on her, and I could barely keep myself together for her. I took that necklace (along with her other jewelry as well) off of Sabrina after she died. I told Tessa I took the necklace off her mommy. She was excited about that, but then asked me why I didn't let her do it. Ummm, ya.
Sabrina was such a complicated person, and could be thorny sometimes. I stayed with her because of my own commitment to myself that I won't leave her alone no matter what, but she sometimes seemed to push people away. Still, she was so funny, and so real. I was intertwined with her, enmeshed with all she went through. And I understood all her intricate medical problems, and saw them all-- infinitely worse than mine. There is a huge hole in my life. It hurts so much. Even though we both knew she was dying, knowledge doesn't soothe emotions. I didn't expect to crash so hard. I'm sure it doesn't help that I am also mourning my mom who passed away six months ago, as well. Actually, there are some connections there........
I need to live, though. I need to get out of bed, I need to get back to the gym, I need to live. I don't feel that life force running through my veins these days. I feel either hurting, or numb. I just don't want to do anything. Yes, that explains how I feel- the life force is quieted. I hesitate to say any stronger word than quieted.I plan on having a few sessions with my former therapist again. Although not much can be done about mourning except to go through it. You just have to do it. Like most things in my life, though, when it hits, it hits HARD. I feel crushed under the weight.
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All day today I spent preparing my son Ya'akov (16) for his hernia surgery tomorrow. We had the appointment at the hospital for the pre-surgery check-up, and all day he was asking me questions about what to expect. I have to balance my answers with equal measures of "don't worry, it really is small, and very different than my hernia surgery", and "yes, it will hurt when you wake up, you may be nauseous or throw up, I understand you are scared...." I can explain all aspects of going under anesthesia, what it looks like, feels like, everything. Rationally, with extensive knowledge, I hope my preparations ease his mind and not the opposite.
Under the layer of the words I am telling him, I wonder if he knows I am Very Scared about this. He's joking that he will die tomorrow (you have to know Ya'akov to understand his joking). He saw me go through the Flesh Eating Bacteria after my hernia surgery, he saw the countless complications and surgeries thereafter... the lawsuit... my health decline. I am trying to be strong for him, but I crumpled in Robert's arms the other day because I am so scared about putting him through this.
Tomorrow (Thursday the 12th) at 4pm Israel time.
Ya'akov Ariel ben Sarah Rachel.
Oh, and did I mention I am barely sleeping? Seems the sleeping pills no longer work on me. It's a whole other post actually. Pretty awful. Makes pain much harder to tolerate.
Yeah, things kinda suck.
But only with the existence of dark can light be known... I'm trying to be patient.