Introducing Trudy

I woke from a dream last night. I had entered a room in which I knew there were 'bad guys'; their backs were towards me. I had believed that they knew I was coming in innocently. Well, they didn't even let one second pass before they turned around and shot me, bullets penetrating both my shoulders at once.

I woke up startled and scared. Simultaneously I was checking my surroundings to confirm that I was safe, and realizing that my arm was cold and numb, circulation cut off (hence My Maker sending me that dream to wake me up to DO something about it).

Being that I was asleep on my right side, I turned onto my back, urgently shuffling pillows so that my arm would receive blood circulation once again. Thankfully, I soon felt warmth and tingling in the arm, and stayed with my half-asleep senses until I felt the arm completely normal.

This is happening very frequently recently, at all hours. It is a result of my new, hopefully temporary shoulder bone malady, Trudy.

You know how we are always doing strange things, like naming the deformities I have with my body? (Gapey, Scrapey, and Shapey to name the most famous examples.) So, since we have learned what is causing this circulation issue in my arm, and nagging pain on the top of my shoulder bone, we decided it *needed* a name.

Last week when I saw Dr. Z, I took the opportunity to ask him about the strange, hard bump I have on my shoulder. I told him it is quite painful at times, and that my arm circulation gets cut off several times a day. He felt for it, and then said, (and I quote) "what the heck is *that*"?! He ordered an x-ray ASAP.

The x-ray showed a slight protrusion (remember that word when you are trying to figure out why we call the problem by the name "Trudy") in a certain bone in my shoulder... of course, that would be the bone I feel as a lump. It is exactly where my undergarment rests, which creates uncomfortable pressure for Trudy.  Hence, it hurts.

We actually decided to send the pictures by email (they are just jpegs) to Dr, Rath because he is also a renowned shoulder expert. How convENient!
He wrote back saying that this is an entirely different issue than my hip (duh), so we must treat it as such, and that I could call his secretary to make an appointment for a consult.

Trudy is born, and will be dealt with *after* I recover from my surgery.
I really don't want to bug Dr. Rath about it; his answer to me felt very final, and that in no way is he interested in stepping out of the role as 'hip guy' for me until I make an appointment for a consult for another issue.
OK, there you have it.

In other not-so-earth-shattering news, my visit with the kidney doctor the other day was pretty good. My kidney function has pretty much remained the same, Baruch Hashem. My liver function, however, is not as great as it was last time. I have a lot of drugs pumping through my system every day, it is a wonder that up until now my liver has showed no signs of deterioration. The solution? Go off the drugs.

We're working on it. 

That is the goal here with this surgery, B'ezrat Hashem.

So, having pulled of- quite successfully might I add- a PINK and *very* girly birthday party with 12 nine-year-old screechy girls, that makes us five days until surgery. Four days until I leave for hospitalization (As Azriel pointed out tonight while we were cuddling at bed time).
Tomorrow morning I have to go pick up a prescription, get an E.K.G. done, and make sure I get in contact with the secretary at Ichilov hospital with questions I have about some paperwork.

Then I come home and organize the house and the children to have Shabbat spread it's light over us. Oh, beloved Shabbat, what would I *do* without you? I honestly don't know how I survived much of my life without you.

I will, most likely, post something again before I leave. I'll find something to say. ;-)

Shabbat Shalom from Be'er Sheva, Israel.

the star of the day

the cake of the day

and might I add... Mommy of the day, too. :-)

And then she wept...

I long to feel that my world is how it should be. I mean, I know it *is* how it should be, but I have this feeling of disquiet... or even perhaps agitation, about my life. About our life, actually-- our life as a family.

On the one hand, I know I am so profoundly blessed. When that feeling comes over me, I am astonished at the depth of my love for my children and my husband. I also love my house (although the four flights of stairs are much more of a challenge than they were when we purchased it). I often feel it is the perfect house for us, and I bless Hashem, from the center of my being, for everything.

But I am unsettled inside. I constantly feel that I am behind in a hundred things at once. We are often late for things... like almost everything. We catch buses and trains at the last minute. We are one of *those* people ( yes, we are one... I meant that.). I help kids with homework, but another kid inevitably needs me, and all-of-a-sudden, I am not enough.

Agitated. Impinged. (to use my hip analysis)

One week till d-day.

Then the recovery, which is a wild card as to how long that will be. It doesn't look like I'll go to the rehabilitation center, unless, for whatever reason, I'll be in the hospital more than six days; then the insurance will pay for it. We could pay to go privately, that is actually an option. We are going to just see how it goes and how I feel after a few days.

I have a nanny. Not the one I interviewed last week, but a regular babysitter of ours who committed to us that she can be here daily, for three weeks (except for a few days here and there which she told us of already). That is a relief. I also have a warm recommendation for another woman who I haven't met yet. I plan on calling her tomorrow.

Things are more-or-less in place. I still have a prescription to fill, an E.K.G to do, and a nine-year-old's birthday party to pull off on Thursday (that'd be Shifra. Her birthday was on Chanukah... as I said, we are habitually late...)

All of this agitation stuff, unsettled feelings, and even the lateness: all of it can be pushed aside with Emunah. Faith that everything is for a good reason. And with that faith, getting to places on time is more important. It is about respecting others time. It is about respecting ourselves, isn't it.

I experienced an *amazing* example today of such deep emunah, from an encounter with someone else. it was actually her emunah that I was privy to.

She was our babysitter when Dov and Ya'akov were babies. We lived in our first apartment, and she was unmarried and in her early twenties. As time went on, she got married and moved to another town. She had children, and moved back to Be'er Sheva, where we met occasionally out and about. We always talked eagerly when we saw each other... how are the children, how are we personally. She is a special person; always kept up with my health situation each time we met.

She now has a daughter in Shifra's class.
Anyway, we met today on the sidewalk picking up children from the class Azriel takes called "robot-kid". (they construct robots, it's really cute!)

I told her about my upcoming surgery, and to my surprise, she wept. I was taken aback, I am not used to spontaneous displays of deep-seated compassion. She told me that I am such a special woman, I don't deserve this. She cried for my hardships. Can you believe that? We see each other at most once every three months or so, and she is crying for me.

Then she gave me a bracha that all these tears that are falling from her should be counted by Hashem, one-by-one, for my complete recovery and freedom from pain.

Now *that's* emunah.

I am going to see "The Rebbitzen" tomorrow if I am feeling up to it. She is always good for an infusion of faith and simplicity.

I could use some of that right about now!

Sunday afternoon Hip-hop

Shifra came home today from her "hip-hop" dance class, and she went straight to the computer to find the song they were dancing to. SHe found it, put the volume up, and started showing me her moves.

I danced along.

Of course, my hip doesn't hop like hers, but I improvised.

Three more songs and we were still dancing and having a blast.

It's not all gloom and doom, really!

I slept nineteen hours straight.

The pressure has finally gotten to me. The toll has been taken.
I've come to a grinding stop from all the running around I have been doing.
I have been doing the work of a whole, healthy person, and it is breaking me.

It started with a complete and total emotional breakdown at the ultrasound clinic yesterday. The paperwork for my ultrasound wasn't correct, and the attempts to call my health clinic resulted in twice getting disconnected by the automatic menu system. I finally got through and had the proper paperwork faxed, and it turned out that it wasn't the proper paperwork-- it was for a CT, not an ultrasound. (I need the ultrasound of the kidneys for the nephrologist next week). Then I broke. B R O K E.

Huge loud sobs, regardless of the fact that this was a place that one usually wants to be just a normal citizen. I called Robert and sobbed on the phone to him. What came out, over and over, was "I can't take it anymore".

In the meantime, the secretary, apparently feeling sorry for me, called the health clinic and got the proper papers faxed. I was just about to tell her to forget about it, set up another appointment, when lo-and-behold, she had my forms in her hand.

I went through the ultrasound, puffy-eyed and trying hard not to cry again.
I always hate the part where I have to be on my left side, directly on the hip bone, on the hard table, with my legs straight-- it is *THE* absolute worst position I could be in for my hip. That is the position they can most easily see the kidneys.

Well, with that over, I still couldn't go home. I had to go to another place; a place which helps people with disabilities get their benefits. I am in the middle of trying to get us more money from the government for after surgery, so we can pay hired help for longer periods of time. I had to go there with more papers to shuffle. I had to wait about a half hour for the director to call me in.

With that done, I had to rush home in time to interview a woman interested in the job of being our nanny after surgery. I had to put on a happy face and talk when all I wanted to do was go to bed. I wound up sharing my story with her, totally honest and open. I was supposed to be finding out about who *she* is for the job, and she just seemed so open, I just walked right in. I think I was trying to justify why I am looking for help. I mean, you walk into my house, see me, and everything looks  just wonderful! I have turned into a person who likes to tell my story. I pour it out, and feel justified to feel what I feel about my life when I see the shock on people's faces.
She is lovely and I hope she'll come back for a day of "training". I am waiting to hear from her. I hope I didn't scare her away with all the intensity of my life, and of our needs as a family.

When the babysitter for the day finally came, and I could finally go to sleep. I was planning on going to my shuir (Torah class) at that time, but I used the babysitting time instead to sleep. It was the only thing I really needed.

I slept from about 5pm to..... NOON the next day (today).
Yeah, it was all getting to me and took it's toll.

Today I stayed in bed ALL DAY. I am still in pajamas.
I feel slightly sick, like flu-ey, but no fever. I just feel very run-down and have no energy for anything. Robert took care of the kids this afternoon and evening.
I have increased pain in my thigh, both inside the joint and nerve pain going down the outside of my thigh.
Dr Z increased my Lyrica.

Hospital in 11 days.

It's looking like I may not be going to a rehab facility after surgery. The ones covered by insurance require a minimum of a six day hospital stay, and this hospitalization is not going to be more than four days, probably.
To go to a private facility is way out of our budget.
So, I'll come home to my family. Everyone will be happy to have me home.

But I am scared. What am I scared of?
surgery. waking up. pain. (you'd think I am used to it by now, but I don't think one EVER gets used to pain.).
I am also scared of the recovery.
scared that I won't have healthy food. I *need* healthy food.
scared of never getting better.

I saw my results for the blood and urine tests I did last week.
There were some red marks on them, like things were too low or too high. Hemoglobin low, protein low, magnesium quite high (what does that mean? Well, I just put into Google "high Magnesium", and got this. Kidney problems...). I haven't been eating so well as of late... a few months of not having energy to cook and prepare on a daily basis. Then the nose swab came back (needed for hospital stays, checking for traces of MRSA), and it is positive also. I don't know if I'll need antibiotics.

11 days. Today, that feels very scary.

I *know* that this surgery is supposed to fix my hip, but I am having a hard time believing it. It was such good news at first, and then it turned into this thing that I don't believe will help much. I have to go in believing it will help. I don't really know which one is true, so I might as well take the more positive one.

I think it's just the word "Surgery" that makes me go into a depression, never mind that it is for fixing something that needs fixing.

I'm sure you all understand that.

Plans for healing, or healing plans

Approaching another surgery, I am feeling like a body without a soul.
The doctors only see the body part they are responsible for fixing.

The danger is when I forget to see my soul, also.

For the surgery, as well as for the appointment with the kidney doctor next week, I need an obscene amount of tests.

All I am doing is going to DOCTORS!

I need quiet time before this surgery. The time leading up to the 30th is *packed* with doctors appointments and tests, if not for me than for the kids.

I need to hammer out time for myself, and it has to be away from the house.
It is nearly impossible to get it before the surgery (I go in on the 30th),
so I am thinking about taking it afterward.

There are post-op rehabilitation centers which are subsidized by cupat cholim (Israeli medical system).
I need "free rest". I need meals brought to me at regular intervals during the day, and a doctor/nurse on-call 24/7 to take care of me. I don't yet know for how long.
I feel guilty for wanting this. 

The hospital stay itself is only for about two days, and I know how coming home afterward can be wonderful and stressful at the same time.

I am working on getting a nanny, we don't have one yet.
I need the kids, cooking, and laundry taken care of.

I can't do this!!!

I have had so many surgeries-- Me, Sarah Klein. The one who didn't plan on any of this.
I am pounding the keys on the computer!!! Can you hear how stressful this is?

All these surgeries, all these medical issues, all the appointments with doctors who only see you for the part they are responsible for.

I am not strong enough to handle all this, I want to run away.

I would come back for the surgery, though... I need the doctor to fix my leg.