All good things must come to an end

My days have been filled with vacationing, doing fun things, my family, my father.

And two migraines have ambushed me.

My nights are the worst, though. I've been having creepy dreams, then I wake up, and all the sadness comes to me in a big wave, overtakes me.

By day my father needs me to help him through his grief waves. My own can't coexist with his. He is so depressed to have to set out on life now without his wife of 58 years. I can't imagine. All I can do is offer support and make sure he knows we will not leave him living alone in his house. We are looking into options.

At night my sadness comes out to get attention. First in the disturbing dreams, then after I'm awake from that, all this stuff ruminates in my head. I no longer have a mother.
Thoughts of her alive and well dance around in my active imagination.

I have a very sick friend in the hospital in Israel (I'll call her S). She weighs heavily on my heart, too. She is getting worse. We pray that the doctor Rav Firer recommended can help her out if this mess. Please pray for Shoshana Chaya bat Bassie. Give it all you got.

We're leaving the Connecticut house today. It is presently dawn here, and I have half a mind to go down to the dock- a few meters away- and take out a kayak in the lake, and coast in the quiet. But we had a rainstorm last night and the day is overcast and humid. And I should try to get more sleep. I'll miss this lake, and the kayaks, canoe, and paddle board.

It was a good week.
I wish that my mother could be been with us, she would have loved it, and seeing the kids so happy and enthusiastic.

I miss her so much.

But right now, my dad's grief needs to be held and loved. None of this is easy.
I'm going to shut my eyes for a while before the busy day starts.
The anti anxiety pill is kicking in.

Shabbat shalom from me to all of you.

XOXOXOXO

"blue" in the butterfly house in Norwalk aquarium

Hanging in there over here

What a time this is. It's good, it's hard, it's togetherness, it's a Very Sad Dad. (and it's lots of food.)

me and mom in her home hospital bed, last summer

In other news, I got the results from my brain MRI.

There is one finding, and I don't know what sort of significance it has. Since we were looking for 'no findings', I was a bit thrown off to see a "something".

It is some sort of spot in my left frontal lobe, in the white matter. The report says it's non-specific. That's it.

Gotta call my neurologist at some point.

We are going to the Connecticut house on Sunday. We are taking my dad with us. It'll be a much needed break for all of us. Mom's aide, Nina, hasn't taken a vacation in over a year, she was very sensitive to my mother's anxiety when she wasn't around. So, she will get a greatly deserved vacation, too. She needs it. She's like the unrecognized mourner here, she loved my mom very much. She was much more than a physical aide. Not only did she keep my mom glowing (four years in bed and no bed sores) with her hair done and nails polished, she was also like a therapist to her. Whenever mom would get down, Nina would boost her spirits. She would remind mom of her wonderful husband, great children, and six beautiful grand children. She gave her a reason to go on when my mom felt helpless and useless stuck in bed 24/7. I always told Nina that it was because of her that I could sleep at night.

The house we are renting is on a lake, with use of canoes and row boats. I am very much looking forward to it, and it'll be so good for my father to get away from the house after this intense week of shiva. It'll be good for all of us.

In the mean time, tomorrow is the last day of shiva, then we'll have Shabbat here at the house.

Thank you for your tremendous outpouring of love and support at this really sad time. It means so much to me, especially since I am not with my friends and community here in New York. (although there have been visits from a few Be'er Sheva friends! That was awesome.)

Shabbat shalom