Dealing again with loss of a loved one

I'm going to New York in the morning (Thursday morning). My cousin passed away, at the young age of 64. I was with her for her birthday in July, she was so alive, then the cancer took over. We were close. Things fell into place here regarding timing, so I'm going. I feel the important need to support my 98 year old aunt, who is her mother. It's just awful awful awful. My aunt is my father's older sister, 100% lucid and lived long enough to see this tragedy unfold before her eyes. It's horrible, just horrible. A parent should never bury a child, especially at her age.

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My abdominal pain is gone. I can't thank the Good Lord enough for that fact. That's why I can fly tomorrow. My surgeon said we'd have to wait at least until four months after surgery to pass to know if the abdominal pain is really gone, but I can tell now that it's gone. There is no more Gapey, no more mesh and clips, my body looks normal. I still admire it in the mirror when I catch a glimpse.

I am 11 weeks after the massive reconstruction surgery now, and I am not in pain. Well, I'll preface that with the fact I'm not in abdominal pain. I have been getting increasing hip pain, where I had the PVNS. I probably need another MRI for that, and perhaps another steroid shot into my hip. My knee on the same leg is also hurting when I go up and down stairs (which is a lot if you know my house). I made appointments with the appropriate orthopedists, but they are not soon.... a regular orthopedist for my knee is in December, and orthopedic oncology isn't available until January. That's a lot of waiting with pain, but I'll push through.We have a wedding to plan and dance at!

I do have other news, about the nursing school dream...

I spoke with my social worker about it, and she told me about a program that starts in November, and goes for five months, specifically for people who want to return to university later in life, to hone learning skills and train yourself to sit and learn again. It's called "mechina" in Hebrew, which is simply a "preparatory course" for the next step, whatever that might be. It doesn't count towards nursing credits, but rather helps hone general skills. I am very enthusiastic to do this program, I think it would be a good stepping stone for me before diving back into university. At the end of the course is a career counseling exam, where you find out what careers are suited to you. It sounds perfect for me. It's also paid for in full by Bituach Le'umi- the national health service, as a career re-training step. I'll know more after I meet with the person who runs the mechina, which might not be until after Rosh Hashana. Everything at the right time.

That's my life in a nutshell....mostly good things to report with a tragic thing happening parallel. I am very torn up that my cousin is gone. I can't believe it, honestly. I'll believe it soon enough.

Hashem works in mysterious ways. I just can't wrap my head around it.

To dream the impossible dream?

Truth is I'm daring to dream again.

I have recently been dreaming about going back to school and becoming a nurse.
I've had awesome nurses and some awful ones. I know the difference better than most people.
Can I do shift work?
Can I be on my feet that long during a day?
Can I learn again in school, like do I have the capacity to go back to school and learn?
Will I get a job at this juncture in my life?
Really, nursing?

Yes, I do want that, but those questions remain unanswered. I mean,

how much of my health am I regaining? All of it? Part of it?

I know I'd be a great nurse, but I also know the education is brutal (I have a friend who did it at around my age), can I learn in a university in Hebrew? How active is my brain, what is my potential? It could be that going from here, from this point in my life, leads me to a big question mark.

Daring to dream... it's been so long. Will I actually do it is a whole other question.

I've had this post cued up to publish for two days now...it's scary to put your dreams out there! I feel in my gut that I need to do this but I'm so scared. There is a program at my local university to learn four years of nursing in two years. It's a tough program, my friend did a similar program. I can do tough, though, I've done lots of tough. I think I can do this. But I'm not sure.

I've had this dream since before I had NF actually, I wanted to become a midwife, which means first you have to be a nurse. I looked into it 13 years ago. Now I'm older and wiser....... and I have no pain. I can do anything.

(in two weeks I start playing horn again...my surgeon said I can begin playing after the 12 week point, that's in two weeks. :)