Saturday, October 4, 2008

blessings & hardships, all wrapped up together

The good before the bad...
We had a great Shabbat with wonderful, loving friends. Friends from near & from far (Modi'in, Israel), and together we all created a meaningful & intimate start to our new year.

Also we had a special event on Friday afternoon; we gave my little Azriel his first haircut. It is traditional in Judaism to wait until the child is 3 years old to give him his first haircut, and thank Gd we made it to that milestone. He looks so grown up now, it's amazing. He loved all the attention, too. Many people took turns cutting a curl here & there, mazal tov songs were sang, and little Wazi got lovely presents. I cried.... my baby was cut from the umbillical cord for a second time. That's what it felt like; like I have to take that new step in letting go, to let him start to grow out of the "baby look". Saddness, too, for the knowledge that he is my last baby. But he's still got baby mileage on him- he's such a sweet little impish lightweight. May Gd bless him with long & healthy years.

The bad....
My rash hasn't gone away and it is making me crazy itching my arms all day long. (I've been off antibiotics now officially for a whole week.)

My bruises are back, popping up in strange places, seemingly spontaneous. I have 5 at the present moment. I showed them to Robert & friends, and they agree that it looks strange. The blood tests from a month ago didn't show anything. So, what is the deal?

I feel low-grade fevery almost every evening, but with no fever. Just achey and weak feeling.

More doctor's appointments; I am sick of dr's appointments. I wish I could just talk myself into living with what is, and then all these symptoms that interfere with living & loving will vanish. Problem is, they haven't. I ignored the rash & my inner ear problem for 3 months now, and they didn't get better. I feel run down, achey, and have strange bruises. Even if there wasn't any history of NF, wouldn't you go check this stuff out? Or am I really nuts?

Tomorrow I am going to the dermatologist to see about my arm rashes. I also have an appointment with the ENT in the afternoon to see about my inner ear problem.

How can my health be so broken for so long? It's not like I have a present illness that needs attending to, just random symptoms that are part of my every day. And pain... my groin, my thigh, hurt almost all the time, with no visible problem to point to. Just the fact that they went through NF is the reason, I guess.

I hate writing this stuff. I hate complaining all the time. Who am I? I was never like this; I was the strong one. Why do I feel so broken? It is very depressing. I want to feel like it's over.

Feel like ...I had NF, and it's over.
Gd, is that too much to ask?


  1. It seems like the fat lady has not sung yet, and as we know "it ain't over til the fat lady sings!"
    luv ya

  2. B'H

    Mazel Tov to all for the Haircut. Wish I could have been there. Have a meaningful fast and may we all merit to hear a beautiful Tikea Godola. Gamar Tov. Love Cousin Howard