Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Reevaluating the issue of work

Each time I go through a hospitalization, it causes me to reevaluate how to prioritize my life and make changes.

Last February ('07) I took on 6 births. I hadn't learned yet how to turn down clients. Then I landed in the hospital in March. I had to cancel one client's post natal counseling because of the illness. After I recovered from that, I chose to take off working for a period of time, which turned out to be 3 months (one month was the US trip, not restful at all). I then decided to start taking on clients after we return from the States. So, I did. I also took orchestra work. In September I took both clients and orchestra work, planning the births before and after the orchestra series, not during. Well, babies get born when they are good and ready, and with that, Hashem sent me another lesson. Both births fell in the time period of the orchestra work, and one birth was 19 hours, with an orchestra rehearsal 3 hours later. Then I wound up breaking in a big, big way, and checked myself into the psych hospital.

The checking myself in was a really good step in taking responsibility for my health. It was my decision, because I knew things were bad, and I needed help. It is a different kind of sickness, the kind where you have a choice to get help or not. I chose right. I spent 3 weeks there, during which I had to cancel the pots-natal visit for yet another client, the one who had her baby the week before.

I am not able to give 100% at either job, and having work in both careers simultaneously is just not an option. That's why I resigned from the orchestra, isn't it.

I never took enough time to recover from the NF surgeries & trauma. It builds up to worse things, and I land in a hospital again. Last night I was struggling to get to sleep with pain that I couldn't ease with pillows, and thigh swelling that got my worries up to convincing myself that Something Bad is Brewing again. I am OK this morning. Night is the worst for those kind of thoughts; the pain increases and I'm tired.

In short, I am taking off from all work (income producing work, that is). I am leaving myself the option to have it be maybe a year or more. I already canceled a client. I don't know when I'll work again, and I don't want to put a date on it. I am receiving disability, and there is a good reason for that. The country isn't so generous to just throw money at people.

I need quiet, calm, and I need to heal. I pray for the guidance to stay on that path, and that my family will understand and walk that path with me.

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