Saturday, January 31, 2009

"Why do I feel so old?"

All Shabbat I had an old song going through my head. It is from the Billy Joel album called "Cold Spring Harbor", from 1971. It was one of my favorite albums, along with Cat Steven's 1970 album "Tea for the Tillerman". I used to tread the streets of Boston University wearing my walkman with these tapes in it. I know, I'm totally dating myself with this admission. Those were the days. :-)
The above mentioned song from Cold Spring Harbor is called "Why Judy Why", and there was only one stanza that keep going through my head: "they say a man my age is very young, so I'm told, then why do I feel so old? Tell me why, Judy why"....

I know I am young, I'll be 41 next month. "I'm older than I once was, but younger than I'll be, that's not unusual"... (Paul Simon, "The Boxer")... I feel old, though. I have so many aches and pains, almost all the time, with no logical, sensible explanation. It makes me nuts, actually. I don't feel like talking about it, (ie complaining) unless there is a concrete thing that can explain it. I know there are people who have gone through NF, and are *over it*. No more pain, no fallout. It happens, and I have been in contact with those people. It's not the norm, though, for NF survivors.
Here I am with Gapey [for those who are new here, see right side of blog for definitions for my weird nicknames] uncomfortable all the time, strongly considering reconstructive surgery in hopes of a better quality of life. My hip and thigh are also pretty constantly hurting. My friends are inured to my occasional "ow"s and occasional pained expressions, But I'm not. I am not used to being in pain all the time, even though it's been a year & a half. Or, I am used to it, but I am not inured to it. I can't stand what this disease has turned me into. I want answers and solutions. I can't resign myself to saying that, "ok, this is me now, pains & difficulties. Let's move on with that premise understood". It's just not that way for me. I want all the problems fixed so I can feel young... my age. But what if they will never be "fixed"? And living with PTSD, well, that is the gift that just keeps on giving.

Waiting on the MRI results. I pray that it will offer solutions, not just problems.


  1. I so totally relate, it's not even funny. I feel like an old lady!

    Reading what you write, my first thought is "guided imagery."

    I've been thinking a lot about how to use guided imagery to create the images of myself that I want to see.

    Tonight, I am going to go to sleep visualizing an energetic and active me. Not the me of the past, but the me that is now. Maybe if I see it enough in my mind's eye, then it will, indeed, become a reality.

  2. Sarah,
    Finally caught up again with all your blogs. You're right. You really couldn't make this up if you tried! I'm so glad you and Robert had a peaceful Shabbat and that we can take some credit for that. You can throw the boys our way any time.
    We love you!
    Miriam, Jeff et al.