Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Reading Gd's mind

Recovery never goes in a straight line. But yet, every time we feel a good day, we are lulled into thinking "whew, that stage has passed! Onward and upward".

And so it goes. My un-straight line. Yesterday was a really good day. I was up and about, and I spent the afternoon and evening together with the family. I was in the living room resting, instead of upstairs in bed. The babysitter made pancakes together with Shifra. I put the children to sleep, each one in the personal way that is special for them. They had missed me. I had missed them, too.

And now for the predictable next paragraph... I am worn out and depressed today. The tears came when my therapist, Lily, called me at our usually scheduled weekly time to see how things are going. Turns out that I am upset about being knocked off my feet again. Whaddya know.

I keep wondering WHAT I am supposed to do to stop this cycle. Lily said that there is nothing that I could have done in my life to warrant this hardship. I don't actually believe that it's about "you do the crime, you do the time". I said to her that Moshe Rabbeinu (Moses from the Old Testament) also didn't do what we would consider such a terrible thing, but yet he was denied his only dream, to enter Eretz Yisrael with the people he lead all those years. He was denied the ultimate goal. He died, on the precipice. Hashem took his breath and soul out of him, and he "walked with Hashem".

There are murderers and people who do the most heinous crimes that are somehow unfairly given the gift of physical strength and health. Unfortunately, some of them *even* get the privilege of living in the Promised Land. I have come to believe that we are all on our own private "soul chart" (like a children's height and weight graph to see if they are growing at a reasonable rate). Our mission is to stay with our growth line, and to understand our potential by seeing that line and where we are going.

I have two children that are not on the standard growth chart at all. They have their own charts. They are small, but thank Gd they are growing with their own graph. It's like that with souls, except that there is no "standard" that can be expected from everyone at the same time. The one who has been unable to overcome his drive to do heinous crimes has his own chart. Very different things are expected of him than of me; expected from Gd, I mean. Just like Gd had completely different expectations from Moshe Rabbeinu.

So, what is the blip on my growth chart? I feel that I am missing what it is supposed to mean to live up to Sarah's potential. I feel that my graph keeps trying to go steadily up, but something in me is not letting it. Is it something in me? I intuitively feel it must be, and I am searching. I don't look at it like "punishment", I don't see Gd that way. I look at it as a message of "I expect you to reach your potential, and I have high hopes for you, so the road will be hard. Sincerely yours, Gd.

In the meantime, it has been 2+ 1/2 years of knocked down physical strength and health. Started at age 39; with a young family, prime of life. Yes, I am depressed about that today. And yes, I know it could be worse.

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