thoughts about the surgeon

Have you ever had someone living in your mind without paying rent? In other words, a person who isn't giving you any thought, most likely, and who you want out of your mind? Like, you know that this person doesn't need to be in your thoughts, and has no positive function in your thoughts, but nevertheless wanders the terrain of your mind, disregarding the "no trespassing" sign.

So, I have that. The person who is taking up this space is the surgeon who, two and a half years ago, made a few wrong decisions during and after my hernia surgery, and almost killed me. And changed my life forever. (I often wonder if he is reading this blog)

Every time I go to Soroka (at least twice a week for hydrotherapy) I wonder if I am going to run into him. I feel that running into him would be this unknown, freaky thing, but also that part of me wants to run into him. I can't explain why. I already had the opportunity last year to tell him how this all has changed my life, and I think I did that pretty well. He knows, that's for sure.

Let me ramble, if you will...
He and his family and I were friends before this all happened. I still feel like that friendship exists on another plane of reality. When I was sick- out of the ICU, lying in the surgical ward- I wanted him to check on me more. When I heard or saw him coming into the room, I had a sort of relief that here is my friend, he saved my life, and he will take care of me. I know he created the need to save my life, but we are not discussing logic here.

Then after I got out of the hospital, he never called to check up on me. Maybe once, but since I recall him not calling at all, that's my reality. I wanted him to call, and I wanted to have him still take care of me. But he was moving on, and probably trying to stay far away from me for his sake, and maybe he convinced himself it was for my sake, also. He was moving on, but it would take me much, much longer for me to get to the "moving on" phase. I am still working on it. [Then there is the issue that we are suing the hospital, and by association, him. Lawsuit moving along at a snail's pace, but it is all for the best.]

I am quite sure that I take up no space in his mind. That's also why I say that he is living in my head rent-free. And what's further, I don't feel like asking for rent.

It all feels so mentally and emotionally complicated.
Now I've written about it and organized it into words.
Now it's time to offer it up to Hashem and let it out of my hands.

I need to divert the focus from this person, and redirect it to The Maker of the Universe, the One Who creates all the situations we find ourselves in.

כל ארוע בא אל מנת לקדם אותי

(everything happens in order to bring me closer to Gd)

...and that means e v e r y t h i n g.