I am so sore.
I mean sore like I haven't been in a long while.
We're having a whole party here with my hernia repair surgery pain from four months ago (really strongly hurting), my thigh joint from the PVNS, and the whatever-it-is in my lower right back.
And so tired. My body is just dying to sleep, like all the time.
Thursday after acupuncture I came home and slept five hours. Five. That'd be all afternoon.
Dov said to me that it must be so nice to get to just sleep so much.
Ouch. No, Dov it's not nice. In fact, I hate it.
I explained to him all the things I'd have rather done than sleep. One being that I'd have made a healthy pizza rather than ordered pizza (although they love ordered pizza, of course!), and challot. I'd have prepared the house better for Shabbat. I'd have spent time with them and helped with homework. I'd have *lived*, instead of sleeping.
So much sleeping. It is just how I am now. I wish it wasn't.
We're having a whole party here with my hernia repair surgery pain from four months ago (really strongly hurting), my thigh joint from the PVNS, and the whatever-it-is in my lower right back.
And so tired. My body is just dying to sleep, like all the time.
Thursday after acupuncture I came home and slept five hours. Five. That'd be all afternoon.
Dov said to me that it must be so nice to get to just sleep so much.
Ouch. No, Dov it's not nice. In fact, I hate it.
I explained to him all the things I'd have rather done than sleep. One being that I'd have made a healthy pizza rather than ordered pizza (although they love ordered pizza, of course!), and challot. I'd have prepared the house better for Shabbat. I'd have spent time with them and helped with homework. I'd have *lived*, instead of sleeping.
So much sleeping. It is just how I am now. I wish it wasn't.
I know you know this, and in some ways it "goes without saying" - but oftent he things that "go without saying" are the ones that need to be said the most - so I'll say it.
ReplyDeleteInstead of "living" as you put it, you were putting in the necessary investment to allow you the time with the family and the "living" for the long-term future.
That doesn't make it easier when you're going through it, but hopefully the knowledge of that in the back of your mind can ease the emotional pain today - even a little bit.
I think Dov just doesn't get the pain you have. And that's good, because you would never want your child to understand because to truly understand he'd have to experience it.
ReplyDeleteI hope that things start staying up more and more, instead of the downward slide. I know you mentioned wondering about acupuncture and whether it was really helping. What do you think now that you had some good days, and then this bad one?
Hugs, Jackie
your body is healing
ReplyDeleteit's like a baby, who sleeps most of their life away, gaining strength for the amazing alert moments.
give yourself credit for doing the most with the Amazing Alert Moments. try to not worry about the others.
Jane