Friday, June 3, 2011

State of the union: Update from The Front

Physical report:
MRI of neck is close to 100% fine, the orthopedist said there is nothing for him to do. No infection, no PVNS-looking things. He recommended a good chiropractor. There are some protruding disks, but nothing severe.
There is one thing that I think I'm going to take care of. The report said there is a "hemangioma" near one of the vertebrae. That is merely a collection of blood vessels that has made a clump. It is usually on the skin, like a strawberry birthmark sort of looking thing. I do have a big, raised (brownish) mark on my back, but I don't know if it corresponds with the one inside that the MRI saw. (My doctor was nonplussed about the MRI.) Big, raised birthmarks run in my family, so I'm not so concerned, but I think now that I'll get rid of it. I don't want something lurking underneath.

Neck/shoulder still painful, but with some improvement. Range of motion still limited because of pain, but usually liveable.

Leg, thigh joint:
Same. No change for the better, or for the worse. Pain when I walk, pain when I sit for too long. Limited range of motion, but liveable. The only thing that helps is lying down in bed. Regularly scheduled MRI (every 6 months) in a few weeks.
I am still swimming, and it does help. There are times in the pool that I feel no pain. It is divine. Usually when I leave the gym I feel strong and renewed. I aim to go every morning, or at least every other. B'ezrat Hashem.

Nerve pain:
I have not heard back from my pain doctor! Very frustrating. I need more help with the nerve pain running up and down my thigh. The "Lyrica" was extremely helpful for a pretty long time, but for whatever reason, I am having lots of "breakthrough pain", and need more coverage. My clothes hurt. If I wear something elastic and tight under my clothes, it helps, but it is *hot* and uncomfortable in many other ways.

Hernia, ten months post-mesh surgery:
Still have pain around that area that my surgeon said was the difficult part of the surgery, where he had to attach the screw to bone, much tighter. The other screws are attached to muscle and cartilage. I think the Lyrica was helping with that, too, and is less effective now.

I am thinking of changing pain doctors.

Long hours. Whether or not you chose to call it "chronic fatigue", I need a lot of sleep. I've had a lot of intense infections and surgeries (not to mention complete organ failure and coma) in a fairly small period of time, and this is the result for me. I haven't been able to completely reconcile myself with it. I don't like sleeping so much. I don't like my body forcing me to sleep instead of being with my children. I don't like feeling so helpless.

Getting closer to signing the contract. The publisher is very patient, thank Gd. I got in touch with a literary agent to clarify issues for me regarding the status of this blog once I publish, and it looks good. I am presently waiting for a response from the publisher, hoping everything looks OK to her.
I am excited and a bit scared to begin what I hope will be a regular schedule of writing. The question is, how do I create a schedule? I have been off a regular schedule for four years now. FOUR YEARS of no real schedule, except for what the children need for their schedules.
I would love to: drive Shifra to school at 7:40, go swimming from there, come home and write until I have to get her at 1:45. But I feel that isn't enough time to write. I need a larger chunk than 3 hours, which is actually 2 1/2 because eating is in there also. And then there is the issue which is in the way of that... I don't wake up that early. I often sleep until 9 or 10. So, to get up early and drive the children is a landmark I have not yet reached. Lots of times, by the time I get up, I can only go swimming or a few errands, then pick up Shifra. My mornings aren't so available.
Enter babysitting... my question is, do I take away time with my kids in the afternoon. I currently have an offer from a good babysitter who our family knows and loves; she wants three days a week, steady. I could take her up on that, and get three afternoons a week of working, but being home (holed up in my room). She swooped in out of the blue; we hadn't heard from her in months, since she had taken other work. Now she suddenly comes in and asks if we want her steadily. Do I take her up on her offer? I am looking for my hours of writing to be steady, right? Is this from the Heavens, or should I turn it down in preference for being with my kids. That is where I am. I am leaning towards taking her up on her offer; school is almost over, and I could use a break from kids in the afternoons. They will be around more.

Being consistently tired and having pain is a DRAG. Depressing. It takes a toll on everything. My mood; physical ability mandating my emotional state. My home sometimes goes into crisis mode; that being just taking care of essentials, leave the rest. But leaving the rest isn't healthy.
Being tired is awful. It is a handicap, and most people don't realize that. I didn't realize it before I was put here. I tread water sometimes emotionally. My head is above, but I work hard not to  s i n k.

Taking all this into account, is taking a babysitter three times a week, for the purpose of me working on my book, logical? Somehow, it seems... oddly... yes...? Writing my book is a deep need for me. But the kids... you know what? Maybe I'll just talk to them about it. Three out of four can really express themselves well at this point. And the fourth goes with what is good for everyone else. If those around him are happy, he is happy. Easy kid.

That is true for all of us, isn't it... if those around us are happy, it is natural to be happy along with them. Kids are just little real people. They will be good with it if they see I am good with it. I hope and pray I can be good with it.

1 comment :

  1. I say, take the opportunity to hire this babysitter!