Thursday, December 29, 2011

off balance

MRI report: inflammatory Bursitis in both hips. The left joint, my "bad" joint, has fluid on it as well.

There is no evidence of tumor re-growth in comparison with the last MRI.

Please don't write that you are so happy to see the *good* news. I always feel like that negates my feelings about the bad news.

I am having a hard time recently. With LIFE, not just this MRI. I get so may medical reports with all kinds of results, I am getting inured to the whole experience.

Seeing the glass half full instead of half empty is where I'm stuck. It's an emotional thing, not so much physical.

The truth is that for the past 6 weeks or so, I have been having generally a hard time. Painting Shifra's room was *great*... I think it was the greatest accomplishment in this time period. Except for maybe going to see the writing mentor (S.D.).
Other than that, I have been under a cloud, and behaving like I am a pressure cooker about to blow.
Noise is also bothering me, like when I was at the height of my post-traumatic stress disease.

My medications are off. It is clear to me & to Robert, but not clear what to do about it. I am seeing the shrink in the morning (Thursday) and I'll hopefully have a clearer picture of how I may get help.

I am in more pain, too. The Fentanyl & Lyrica, my main pain meds, aren't covering me.

In the aftermath of necrotizing fasciitis and PVNS, a balanced life seems so unattainable.
When balance depends on medicines, can it *ever* really be attained?


  1. I'll just be glad that you have more information. I hope you can figure out what to do with it. Please know that I continue to pray for you, although I haven't written much lately. Hugs! Jackie

  2. Sending positive energy your way.

  3. Does this mean you wont be painting my rooms?

  4. Yes, Sarah, balance can be attained even if one is dependant on medicines. I have another question: can part of being balanced be allowing oneself to feel down and overwhelmed at times by the incredible challenges of your life? This too, is a question I answer "yes" to. One of the gifts of being human is having ups and downs. Feeling. Oh how we would wish to never feel anything negative. But we do. Oh how we wish sometimes that we could be superhuman and always be up regardless of challenges, but maybe that isn't really what "superhuman" is. Maybe "superhuman" is feeling and getting down justifiably and then pulling oneself up again. May you continue to have the strength to get out of the downs as you have previously done. And may you have the wisdom to not get down on yourself for being down, but rather flow through it, rise, and patiently allow the cloud to thin and let the sunshine in.
    You are so greatly loved, and also in the prayers of who knows how many. Sending you a big hug.

  5. I believe the answer to your question is "Yes". Consider that much (most?) of what goes on in the human body is chemical/biochemical/ physiochemical – There are times when the body's chemistry is out of balance and externally supplied other chemicals are necessary. Just a fact of life. I'm sure the bursitis is very painful; I wonder if some diet modifications could help. Hang in there.

  6. sorry to hear the pain is coming through again. it is not easy to be optimistic when your body hurts!

  7. Sarah, it helps me to wake up and read your authenticity.

    How can they make the bursitis stop? : (

    LOVE U Babydoll! XO

  8. Dear, dear Sarah,

    Just sending you lots of love and letting you know that I’m always here if you want to talk…


  9. Bursitis can't be helping your pain management. That in itself is painful. I think your reaction to all you're still going through is very normal. I'm wondering if the Lamictil was helping you more than you thought it was, not that you want to get back on that bandwagon more again. I don't have any words of wisdom other than it really sucks to allow a new "normal" to be normal when it means you have less abilities than you used to. I hope they can find some explanations for the bursitis and fluid.

  10. Anonymous-- thanks for hearfelt your words of encouragement.
    I look forward to a time of balance. And I hope you are sharing it with me, too.

  11. Sandra-- you are right in thinking the Lamictal was helping more than we thought it was. I saw my shrink today and she said that it is very clear to her that I need it. We decided to go back on it-- back to my original dose (150mg/day). No, it's not ideal taking into consideration that I take Lyrica as well, but none of this is ideal. I need my sanity, I've been getting *very* depressed. It is what it is. Another medicine adjustment on the way... starting today. None of this makes me happy. It's a low time these days. I hope it is making way for the higher times. Please Gd.

  12. hi Sare,
    I love what Anonymous wrote about "can part of being balanced be allowing oneself to feel down and overwhelmed at times by the incredible challenges of your life?" I think his/her approach to this is the door to good emotional health, for all of us!

    Lots of Love always. I LOVE your pictures of you and the mishpacha. Looking forward to a Bar Mitzvah video eventually!

    xxxooo dev from nj

  13. Oh honey -
    Bursitis in both hips is a serious diagnosis! You deserve to be upset -
    can't beat yourself up for being upset too. It sucks!
    We love you all. Keep strong!