Wednesday, January 25, 2012

And then she wept...

I long to feel that my world is how it should be. I mean, I know it *is* how it should be, but I have this feeling of disquiet... or even perhaps agitation, about my life. About our life, actually-- our life as a family.

On the one hand, I know I am so profoundly blessed. When that feeling comes over me, I am astonished at the depth of my love for my children and my husband. I also love my house (although the four flights of stairs are much more of a challenge than they were when we purchased it). I often feel it is the perfect house for us, and I bless Hashem, from the center of my being, for everything.

But I am unsettled inside. I constantly feel that I am behind in a hundred things at once. We are often late for things... like almost everything. We catch buses and trains at the last minute. We are one of *those* people ( yes, we are one... I meant that.). I help kids with homework, but another kid inevitably needs me, and all-of-a-sudden, I am not enough.

Agitated. Impinged. (to use my hip analysis)

One week till d-day.

Then the recovery, which is a wild card as to how long that will be. It doesn't look like I'll go to the rehabilitation center, unless, for whatever reason, I'll be in the hospital more than six days; then the insurance will pay for it. We could pay to go privately, that is actually an option. We are going to just see how it goes and how I feel after a few days.

I have a nanny. Not the one I interviewed last week, but a regular babysitter of ours who committed to us that she can be here daily, for three weeks (except for a few days here and there which she told us of already). That is a relief. I also have a warm recommendation for another woman who I haven't met yet. I plan on calling her tomorrow.

Things are more-or-less in place. I still have a prescription to fill, an E.K.G to do, and a nine-year-old's birthday party to pull off on Thursday (that'd be Shifra. Her birthday was on Chanukah... as I said, we are habitually late...)

All of this agitation stuff, unsettled feelings, and even the lateness: all of it can be pushed aside with Emunah. Faith that everything is for a good reason. And with that faith, getting to places on time is more important. It is about respecting others time. It is about respecting ourselves, isn't it.

I experienced an *amazing* example today of such deep emunah, from an encounter with someone else. it was actually her emunah that I was privy to.

She was our babysitter when Dov and Ya'akov were babies. We lived in our first apartment, and she was unmarried and in her early twenties. As time went on, she got married and moved to another town. She had children, and moved back to Be'er Sheva, where we met occasionally out and about. We always talked eagerly when we saw each other... how are the children, how are we personally. She is a special person; always kept up with my health situation each time we met.

She now has a daughter in Shifra's class.
Anyway, we met today on the sidewalk picking up children from the class Azriel takes called "robot-kid". (they construct robots, it's really cute!)

I told her about my upcoming surgery, and to my surprise, she wept. I was taken aback, I am not used to spontaneous displays of deep-seated compassion. She told me that I am such a special woman, I don't deserve this. She cried for my hardships. Can you believe that? We see each other at most once every three months or so, and she is crying for me.

Then she gave me a bracha that all these tears that are falling from her should be counted by Hashem, one-by-one, for my complete recovery and freedom from pain.

Now *that's* emunah.

I am going to see "The Rebbitzen" tomorrow if I am feeling up to it. She is always good for an infusion of faith and simplicity.

I could use some of that right about now!


  1. I'm glad you are getting everything organized. Try to live each day as it comes now (easy for me to say). I pray for peace and enjoyment of each day to come.

  2. Sarah you will be fine - we'll all be davening for you!

  3. beautifully written. Hang in there girl.

  4. חושבת עליך :-)
    שרה פינטלינג מורג

  5. With your attitude, the surgery is bound to be successful. You are making progress on the "home front". Don't forecast problems, that will attract them to you; focus on the results you want. Keep taking one day at a time.
    Edna Oxman

  6. Edna's exactly right -- don't borrow trouble from tomorrow. Wisdom from another text -- lehavdil -- but today's challenges (whatever they are) are enough. Don't focus on what might happen tomorrow. And no negative thoughts allowed -- only positive. Chazak!!
    Yocheved Miriam Russo

  7. We'll be praying for you! Gd willing all will go well! Sending hugs!
    Nechama Allen

  8. wishing you a complete refua shlaima. you are in my tefillot daily. your blog is chock full of emuna and how you deal with life. thats why we are all here reading it, and cheering you along. rochel.

  9. Dear, dear Sarah,

    Byron Katie, in The Work, tells us the following: “When you argue with reality, you lose…But only 100% of the time.”

    But you’re struggling between acceptance and hope – a very hard place to be. It requires a very large kli in order to hold both of those places together. That’s the work. That’s your challenge… What does Sarah have to do in order to be in hope and acceptance at the same time?

    May Hashem bless you with complete refuah.

    Lots of love,

  10. Will be sending you positive thoughts and I hope it goes easily.
    Tzippi Cheryl Pellat

  11. Edna is right. Sending you positive thoughts! Shavuah tov in every respect!

  12. As usual, I have a tendency to look at the comments and comment before reading your beautiful words. Sarah, you are so special and you are zocheh of being the source of so much love both from yourself to others and from others to you. With the latter, the love toward you is both from those who are close to you, those who are far, and those who read your writings and don't know you personally nor do you know them at all. Love has enormous positive energy. Part of life is to please G-d, all of this love must definately be pleasing Him. Wishing you all that is good and sweet and that you should share as much and even more love with a full recovery, good health, and comfort.With love and blessings always, Darlene.