Thursday, February 9, 2012

Life, as lived from my bed.

Some of you may be confused why I took down the last post after I had it up for about eight hours (it had about 30 hits to the site before I took it down). It was a very sad, negative, and self-deprecating piece. It also wasn't totally my voice guiding me. When someone guides my writing, even on a low level, my writing ceases to be mine. My voice changes. I have to be careful of that. That post was changed back into a "draft", and I may pick worthwhile pieces of it for another time.

I am nine days after surgery. I have been spending lots of time in bed. I'd say most of my time has been in bed. Just today, at the inspiration of a good friend (and chef!), I started doing upper body strength exercises, so I won't whither away. I have two hand weights now next to me, and I use them frequently. (thanks, H! Oh, and the ball has already been kidnapped. We saw that one coming, didn't we. And food... all finished and enjoyed thoroughly! :-)

I get out of bed for the bathroom, and I do five minutes of [crutches] pacing around my room a few times a day. Beyond that, I am in bed, changing positions every 15 minutes or so. It is still very raw, and I am weakened by the pain. Dr Rath did a lot in there, it was pretty elaborate surgery. It's gonna take time... months, not weeks, as he told Robert.

The physical therapist came here to the house yesterday. She will keep coming to the house until such time when I can get myself out to go to the physical therapy institute here in Be'er Sheva. She showed me some simple exercises I am to do five times a day each.
They HURT. So much.
So where do we stand now with the "no pain, no gain" wisdom?
When do we know if it is good to keep going through the pain, and when it is time to give it a break?

This surgery, as I think I said before, was to fix damage that occurred only in two and a half years. In 2009 Dr Rath excised the PVNS. When last month he told me I'd need this surgery, I asked him if he saw any of the FAI at my previous surgery, and he said no. I'm not saying that *I* caused the damage with all my swimming and hydrotherapy, but it does raise the question of how much physical therapy through the pain is good, and at what point do you raise and eyebrow and say no, I've done enough so that this should have improved, we need a new approach?

In the meantime, I just did the exercises a few minutes ago because I am at an opportune time now, at the pique of my pain meds. When the patch is new, I get a little "buzz", and my pain is covered better. Good time to go the PT. (I think?)


I tried on an entire week's worth of emotions today.
The day started out as I woke up with a sadness and depression, linked to the piece I published onto the blog last last night. I had an underlying feeling that things were not right. I took it off, as I wrote above, and I started to feel better. Then I talked it over with Robert, and I felt even better yet. :-) I am still trying to figure out my book and how to actually *do* it.

There was then the visit from my friend who I mentioned above, and she not only brought the perfect food for me, not only inspired me to exercise my upper body while in bed, but also helped me with some guided imagery for healing. I closed my eyes and joined in the process, and it felt great.

The day improved after that, and actually was completely transformed after reading this very beautiful blog: . It is a crazy depressing story of a family broken apart by death; first of a sick child, then of the husband four months later. So, so crazy. *Why* did I feel better after reading it-- and I spent a lot of time with it-- it just got me out of my little world, joining in their grief. I had a good cry over that story. I was reminded that many people (but *not* everyone) have grief and that there is so much strength in us as humans. How this mother, after she lost her 10 year old child, then her husband four months later, can say that she and her three boys will somehow find the strength to move on with each other. (three boys ages 12, 7, and 3).

People persevere with the most intense hardships. We keep going with the power that Hashem has installed in us to go on, and to connect with the soul of life.

I have to bring this back down to the physical world now, though. I feel that is where I am now, after this amazing day.

At one point this afternoon, my nails were being painted by Shifra, and I was reading to Azriel at the same time. I thought "ah, here I am, being a great mom."
Then the nail polish spilled all over the carpet in my room, and there was a mad dash from Robert to clean it up (he did a great job! It was not easy.)
Things kind of deteriorated after that, although I did get in a few pages of "Charlotte's Web" with Shifra before they were called to dinner.

Now me and my narkie buzz are going to bed. I am hoping on my first outing tomorrow, to see the snow in Be'er Sheva. Not snow that fell on this city, of course, I live in a desert. Apparently they brought snow by the truckloads from the Hermon, and have put it in a big clearing in our mall for the kids to play with and make snowmen. I *really* want to get to that with the kids! We are hoping to go when everyone gets home from school. We will pack the wheelchair into the car and experiment with a [short] car ride with my fragile hip. I have really been yearning to see and feel snow. It's not exactly like being there, of course, but it is as close as it's gonna get to our house any time soon!
Shabbat Shalom!


  1. Hi Old Friend,
    you continue to inspire me with your perseverance. Is there anything I can send you from Good Ole USA that would bring you some comfort and joy?

    1. Ok, I know a few Joan's in the good 'ol USA... is this one Gittel? Or a different one?
      Will the real Joan please stand up...

  2. I told several friends about you today - and I want you to know that while everyone feels sympathy for your health issues - they also admire you SO much! And by the way I saw the snow on my way home - its near the bus station and it really made me laugh!!!!
    Sharon Churgin

  3. you need to give yourself time. lots and lots of rest, meals brought to your bed, and help with the workload in the house. wishing you a shavua tov! rochel.