Sunday, June 24, 2012

suspended freedom

What the *HECK* is this pain? The last time I had this exact sort of pain, I had cellulitis and was hospitalized for two weeks or so.
Now I feel that same sort of pain, and it isn't cellulitis (that I know of) because it's not particularly red, I don't have a fever, and there are no other signs besides the intense, focused pain on- as well as deeper in- the skin. I also feel it deep in the femur bone. Not actually the thigh joint itself, interestingly enough. That pain (post-op from my recent surgery) is it's own box, not playing with this new pain.
This new unidentified thing It is making me literally nuts, it hurts so much. It has been this way for about four days or so. I plan on plunking myself in the health clinic in front of my doctor's door until she will see me tomorrow. I want an ultrasound, although I KNOW it will be extremely painful to have a probe pressing deep into the area of pain. I also want an x-ray, and as much as I *hate* to expose myself to more radiation, I think I may need a CT to figure this one out. I am absolutely sure there is Something Wrong.

If I am wrong about this, we are opening a new page in the book of "insane things that Sarah has to deal with". I will need a lot of support if this is chalked up to nerve pain.
I just don't think it will be.
Well, maybe it will just disappear like it came. I also don't see that happening-- four days of this and it is not looking like disappearing is in the near future.
But we can hope.

My world feels temporarily suspended until we figure this out and get rid of it. It feels quite desperate.

Stability in life? Knowing what to expect from one day to the next? 
Having pain controlled enough (or even gone, but that seems too unrealistic) 
to play with my children and laugh?
I deserve these things!!!!!!!! 

When, God, WHEN!?!?

I gotta go to the ocean... the beach.
but it hurts. so. much.
my (and my husband's and children's) freedom is-- suspended.
t e m p o r a r i l y.


  1. My heart goes out to you Sare. Davening for a refuah sheleima NOW and for the future. Hopefully these doctors will figure things out ASAP and work together to solve this.

    lots o'love,

    Devorah from NJ

  2. I'm so sorry, Sarah. I pray that you'll get to the bottom of this quickly and that it will be something relatively easy to fix. XXX Michele

  3. You defenately deserve stability, controll, laugh, freedom, and much much more!!
    Pain, pain, go away. Don't come back another day!