Sunday, December 15, 2013

That was fun, this is *real*.

I just finished my stash of grahm crackers from America. I *love* those things! Cinnamon grahms with tea or coffee... doesn't get much better than that. Anyone who is coming back from the US soon-- can you bring me another box? Thanks. :)

Presently there are two adults and one child awake from jet lag. The aforementioned child will be forced out of bed tomorrow morning, thrown out into the cold, to get to school vaguely on time. At least, that is the plan. It's hard to deal with jet lagged children. Especially in the middle of the school year. I do hope that we can keep our visits to summer vacations. it's easier.

My body is doing OK, I'm happy to announce. I still have to check into the gastro-intestinal problems that are persistent, but the leg pain is fairly under control, much to my surprise! The flight was pretty easy, I slept almost the whole way. I had an "economy plus" seat, which simply means that there is a bit more leg room than a regular economy seat. It made a difference to me. It is free for someone who has a handicap, so there are benefits!

Emotionally, well, I gotta say I'm not doing so great. There are reasons for that. It wasn't actually the easiest of trips for me emotionally. Physically it was good (thank Gd!)- I got all the places I wanted to go, even ran for cabs, in uncomfortable shoes, in sub-degree Manhattan streets, where it's dog-eats-dog as far as cabs are concerned. What a beast it is to catch a cab there! I had forgotten that.

The beginning of the trip was great; we immediately were treated by seeing the entire immediate family at my parent's house, and we lit Chanukah candles together and ate Thanksgiving dinner. My mother sat at the table with us in her wheelchair. Cousins were incredibly happy to reconnect, and it gave me such a great feeling to be part of this larger family. We, my family, are so small here in our enclave on the other side of the world. We feel part of something bigger living here, which I don't feel there, yet having my family together those few days was good. My father and mother sat at the head of the table, basically watching their family interact.

Going to the Nutcracker was probably the highlight of outdoor activities we did (well, me & Shifra, anyway). It was beautiful, the music was wonderful, and I could see into the orchestra pit and see everything being played and the goings-on of a pit orchestra, in which I have been many times. I knew also, that I can do that. It made my heart full and empty at the same time.

The hard emotional parts?
Well, the kids fought <a lot>. Scrapping non-stop. I kept asking myself "what am I doing wrong? Why is it like this?" I couldn't get good, calm, enjoyable energy flowing hardly at all the whole trip. The kids are getting older, and hormones are in all different sorts of messes in a 15 year old, 13, and 11 year old. The 8 year old kinda went with the flow, although he also had his moments. It was the first trip that was so tumultuous as a family. It left me feeling at a loss for how to bring everyone back together. Honestly, I felt exasperated much of the time. That was hard. What went wrong? I still am asking myself. Even now I feel a heaviness in my heart thinking of all the negativity and arguing that went on. Robert and I were also off balance. I kind of alluded to it each time I wrote a blog, but just one sentence or so- I didn't want to bring down the feeling of what this vacation was supposed to be.

So there was that.

There was also a time that we overbooked seeing relatives, and other relatives were hurt. Especially when the relatives who were mistakenly counted out one day, knew that we are going, instead, to other relatives, who the first ones may not like so much. I felt so bad about that, and tried my best to apologize, but the damage was done. Not everyone accepts apologies. I am still left with sorrow in my heart and sullen emotions about that event.

Only that, that was the one thing I wanted to avoid on this trip. Only one thing, Hashem, I wanted: to be able to love my way through all the family intricacies. It didn't work. There is still work to do. I can learn to love better. I guess that is what we are on this world to do, in the final analysis, right? To love better and better?

At this point, I feel that lack. Life feels vapid in a way. Things feel meaningless, disconnected.
This is what I couldn't stop to feel; or stop to write, while in New York.

There are so, so many family members, on both Robert's side and my side, that were so great to be able to catch up with. There are some very special people nestled in our families, thank Gd.

I just wish our short lives weren't so broken. I keep wanting to fix them, and I keep not doing it very well.

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And a short medical note about this week: in the morning (soon, from the perspective of my jet lag awakeness- it's 4:17am), at 11:30, I have an MRI brain scan to see if there is anything to see about my migraines. I just had another one (migraine) last night.

Tuesday I have to go into Tel Aviv to the orthopedic oncologist. Onto the next check-up and consultation about my hip.

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Sorry I don't have good "tidings" for you. It's just where I'm at, trying to digest what me and my family just went through.

Once the suitcases are put away, fifty thousand loads of laundry are done, I hope to feel calmer and more effective.

25 comments :

  1. You, my dear, are far to hard on yourself.

    If another mom told you about her four kids arguing on a trip 7,000 miles from home, out of their environment, pulled many directions, way out of the daily routine, what would you say to her? You’d say: yep, sounds like a recipe for lots of emotions/hormones/upheaval going on! Of course you want harmony in your family, but honey, you have teenagers in the mix!!



    You can not, not, not include everyone, please everyone, do everything right. Period. Sounds like people didn’t cut you the slack they should have. Shame on them! You may feel you owe an explanation, but the bottom line was – you were trying to do the best for your family. Don’t let anyone guilt you or pull you down! – of course, that’s easier sd. than done.



    Don’t get into a tizzy about anything ‘til you are over jet lag, and all your gang is back on an even keel – or as even as it can be.


    Hope to hear good news about your medical tests.

    love, Jolie

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  2. Things happen and you aren't necessarily the source of the problem(s). You just do your best and keep going. I'm glad to read that you are doing medical follow-ups.

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  3. Remember, all the emotions going on aren't yours to own. Just take care of yourself and let them take care of their own. If family doesn't get along it's not your job to bridge that gap. You only get so much time when you travel. Just remember, the distance is the same both ways. If they want more time with you they can fly to Israel as well.

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    1. Sandra Tiffany- I hear you about other people's emotions . At the same time, we are talking about elderly people here- very close family, if you know what I mean. Also, these are people who cannot travel to Israel, in no way. So, being that our time is so limited, it is very pressuring. The fact that I missed one visiting opportunity is a huge violation and breach of love, it would seem, to them. I am still processing it all. I am still sad about it all, too.

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  4. Sounds like a very exhausting trip for all. Remember that you don't have to get set back to rights in a day. Take the time to get the laundry done. Don't overdo yourself now that you are back.

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  5. however difficult I thought it was when we travelled with 3 pre-schoolers 2 car seats and 2 strollers it was infinitely more difficult with 3 adolescents...I feel for you...this too will pass. I have sent each on their own to be with their families and although they were bored I wasn't there to have to referee. Remember it is almost impossible to do a months worth of visiting in 2 weeks and cramped quarters with 24hr. contact are not easy especially when everyone is expected to be on best behaviour-we all want our spouse and kids to make a good impression and get along with family when we get together so infrequently...that only raises the pressure...hopefully getting back to usual routine will return all to "normal"

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    1. Thank you Tzippy for the confirmation and "chizuk". I really appreciated reading what you wrote, that others have a similar experience of traveling with teens. We also went to the US with two in diapers and the next babe in my belly, and all that that entails, and *this* trip was harder. Still recovering

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  6. Hi Sarah. Welcome back. I read the blog and I agree with some of the comments you received. I believe you may be to hard on your self. It is common for kids to get into fights with each other, especially when they are in a very different, and maybe stressful situation (being on a school vacation, with Mommy, Daddy and their siblings 24/7 around them, in a foreign place, in a harsh whether, without the engulfing and calming sensations they have from being at home, having to meet people they don't know well etc.). It is also impossible to do everything in a way that would please everyone. There will always people who won't approve us or our behavior, and maybe we are just trying to hard to please them and to be perfect. I'd say your kids reacted perfectly normal to an abnormal situation for them.

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  7. Schlepping kids somewhere unfamiliar is usually hard, I know that some of our overseas friends and relatives must have exceptionally bad impressions of my kids because they simply were not themselves while we were travelling, were feeling stressed about all the unfamiliar people and homes we were visiting or were just feeling out of sorts because of jetlag and not having their usual foods. It's especially hard getting to everyone you want to see when you are schlepping around with young kids, at some point they reach their limit and you know that you can't get to one more elderly relative or one more family friend who you would really really like to see, knowing this might be their last chance to see you. You do what you can do and that's all you can.

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  8. The kids, from my discussions with them, LOVED the trip, so it seemingly was a huge success for them. That's also important to keep in mind. You gave them a wonderful experience with memories that they will cherish.

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  9. Schlepping kids somewhere unfamiliar is usually hard, I know that some of our overseas friends and relatives must have exceptionally bad impressions of my kids because they simply were not themselves while we were travelling, were feeling stressed about all the unfamiliar people and homes we were visiting or were just feeling out of sorts because of jetlag and not having their usual foods. It's especially hard getting to everyone you want to see when you are schlepping around with young kids, at some point they reach their limit and you know that you can't get to one more elderly relative or one more family friend who you would really really like to see, knowing this might be their last chance to see you. You do what you can do and that's all you can.

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  10. we had one trip where i dreaded even getting in the car bc every ride was full of tension. it happens. i learned not to overprogram and about family: we would have one big get together and whoever could make it then sababa. otherwise u spend your whole time shlepping around and its no fun.
    Jane

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    1. Yeah, we did spend our whole time shlepping around. Mornings were sleeping late and playing with cool new toys from uncles for Chanukah. Afternoons were either 2 different visits to 2 different relatives (possible in different towns/cities), or a touristy thing, then buying food, then eating at my parent's house. It always got to be midnight before everyone was in bed. Always. And certain relatives were very hard to please, as you know. Next time we will be more the wiser.

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  11. i promise it is mistake u don't repeat!
    Jane

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  12. Sarah that sounds exhausting. I agree with everything everyone else has said. Only thing to add is that sometimes elderly people can be the hardest to please. It has been a long time since they traveled, disciplined, and parented young children and generally the memories of difficulties have disappeared with age. This can cause unrealistic expectations. Heck, we only traveled from MN to AL and I was exhausted by days end.

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    1. Sandra, you are right about being the hardest to please. In this case, they always have been very hard to please. And yeah, raising children is pretty far from any memory disks they may have left. Only the perfect picture of little behaved soldiers remains. I kept saying to myself- we bought our own tickets, rental house, and rented van. Nobody can claim our time. But, they did anyway,

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  13. The kids, from my discussions with them, LOVED the trip, so it seemingly was a huge success for them. That's also important to keep in mind. You gave them a wonderful experience with memories that they will cherish.
    Ken

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  14. Yes, it is hard when you have tried so hard Sarah. I think Kenneth has the right idea. If the kids LOVED the trip you have done your job. 10 years ago what will they remember from the trip?

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  15. I agree with whoever it was that said to try to hold off processing too much when you are still tired and jetlagged. Everything seems worse when you're exhausted and you're more likely to beat yourself up. Later you may be able to see a way to being a little more loving to yourself and a little less understanding of the judgement of others.

    The kids may also not find their scrapping as upsetting as you do. They may "know" because you tell them that it isn't nice but their experience of it may be different. I think Ken has a good point - if the kids say they had a good time, try to put that on the plus side of the scale.

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  16. Thanks Ken and Caroline. Good to have the chizuk. I am, indeed, still jetlagged, although I wonder why it is lasting so long. The kids are, too- we are all so thrown off, it is such a mess.
    one day at a time.I would love one day of a cleaning lady's time, as well, but that is a whole other discussion, right Ken?

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  17. sarah, I learned that vacations are not "bliss" when you have a bunch of kids in different age-ranges and that it was time to majorly decrease the family's technology usage because when it wasn't available, they didn't know what to do with themselves! BH we have been really successful in that department

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  18. Out of all our travel this past year, Sarah, I regretfully decided to only take one child with me when I went home, because of all that is discussed here. I wish I could have had them all with me in Toronto, but it worked so much better without them all. I'm sorry that you had the bad experience where you let family down, but we all make mistakes. There is nothing you can do but process it and let it go. Be gentle on yourself.

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    1. Taking one child is a good idea in principle, but it is also complicated emotionally on both sides. And, at this pointm it's not an option to send the older ones on their own; the problems with keeping Kosher in non-Kosher homes, and keeping Shabbat in the same homes, or them going to someone else for Shabbat... it's very complicated, and they are by no means ready for that.

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  19. "Yes, it is hard when you have tried so hard Sarah. I think Kenneth has the right idea. If the kids LOVED the trip you have done your job. 10 years ago what will they remember from the trip?

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  20. If the kids had a good time, that is what matters, they are the ones you want to have memories of the "old country" and elderly relatives and family friends they may not have the chance to see again, so if that part of the trip worked out, I'd call it a win. There will be relatives not pleased, not just elderly folks whose patience is limited but also fellow parents and peers who have never schlepped 3 or 4 young kids half way across the world and have no idea what that's like.

    The only taking one kid at a time is a nice idea in principle but when transAtlantic trips are involved it's hard to schlep across the world on this once a year or once in a few years family trips and leave some kids behind, it needs to be a family thing or it might not happen at all, certainly with the kids at these ages.

    Like I said, you do what you can do, know that you've done your personal best and that is all you can do, there is no perfection and no guarantee that all parties will be pleased. It's easy to beat yourself up about it but in the long run if the kids had a positive experience overall and you've imparted to them some degree of their story and your family's story, you've done your job.

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