Sunday, May 18, 2014

Lag B'omer 2014

a Pomegranate beginning to grow on our tree in the back yard. Life renews itself.
It always jumps up and bites me in the behind. I may not even be thinking about it in any meaningful way. The thoughts are those which pass through one's head, leaving behind them "oh yeah, isn't that interesting".

My emotions remember what my intellect won't uncover.
I have been utterly depressed today, crying on and off all day. Yesterday (Shabbat) I had a migraine and slept all day (and all night).

Why today?, some of you who are new to my life may ask.
Today is Lag B'omer, the day, seven years ago, that I woke up from my coma.

To many of you it would seem that this should be a happy day. Logially, It is a day of renewal, of re-life, as you will. A day of second chances and re-birth.

Well, it is all that, but for some unexplainable reason, it is a day of depression and tears for me, no matter what is going on in my real life that day.

What *is* going on in my real life happens to also be hard and sad, dealing with a child of mine who very much needs.... needs.... well, if I knew that, he wouldn't need it.

Why the tears? If I could ask my innermost secret chambers of memories, then I'd know. But I do understand, on some level.

This thing that happened to me 7 years ago, it completely changed my life, such that it has become my identity. Yes, it is my identity. People tell me to not look at it that way, that that is not how *they* see me, and that it is not my whole identity.

But it is. For me. It is my reality. And that is OK. God made my life, and I love Him for it, no matter what suffering I go through. Sometimes suffering feels like God is playing "favorites"; like He chose you because you have a huge potential.

I am trying to fortify myself for surgery in a few weeks, and so far I feel anything but fortified. I have gotten stuff done, but today it all came to a complete stop. No crash, no notification, just a stop in my life. Today.

You see, along with waking up from the coma, at about the same time frame, I also found out what happened to me, and what state I was in. I woke up not being able to lift a finger, no matter how much my brain willed it to move.

My emotional imprint is forever changed by having gone through Necrotizing Fasciitis, and everything thereafter.

I just need to be held today.
Robert just took the kids to our yearly bonfire for Lag B'omer. I am alone. I can't put on the happy face today.

He has to take them, he has to be the one, the one who keeps life pulsing, when I cannot.

the planting project got finished on Friday, and it came out beautifully:

first you pick up a bed box off the street...

then ya rip off the upholstery and paint it...

plant some of your favorite herbs and veggies
each of those little markers show where I planted melon seeds

proof that I actually did it.

 I also baked challot on Friday, and vacuumed my [very large] room. by Shabbat, though, I literally could not walk anymore. Filing project next. Should be easier on my body.)


  1. Kol Hakavod. The infection came from the hospital, I assume. My husband was in an accident in the early eighties, had successful surgery, but then the area became infected and he had to have three more surgeries. One leg is a bit shorter because of that. It was all due to lack of sterile environment at Soroka. A few years ago he had to have Total Hip Replacement on the same leg and again he suffered an infection and was on antibiotics for a long time.
    Barukh Hashem he is OK, remarkably so for an 89 year old.
    We wish you a speedy recovery from your surgery. May all go well.
    Ida and Yosef

    1. yes, it was from the hospital.
      But, the doctor is not God, and he doesn't make the decisions about who will have what experiences in their life. This is tailor made for me, and I have gained very much as a human, as a mother, and as a wife due to this trauma. I feel a direct line to God, and I know He wants me to see deeply into how I can improve myself from this horrible experience. Like I said in the post, I see myself as a treasured "employee" of Hashem's Kingdom.

      Thanks for your support! I hope we'll meet some time. :)


  2. hi Sare, LOVE your new garden and pomegranate.


  3. No words of inspiration or comfort come to me without sounding trite or conceited, I wish you a better tomorrow.

    1. I'm sure you wouldn't sound conceited, but I understand how it may seem that way. No worries!
      Thanks for your support in just writing and acknowledging. I appreciate each letter.

      B'sorot tovot,

    2. ... and yes, the tomorrow you mentioned yesterday was much better. :)

  4. You are doing a great job with your garden. Looks great!

  5. Beautiful! So healing to get yourself dirty grounded.

    1. Yes, it is! It's awesome to get dirty and sweaty then have a fabulous, luxurious warm shower or bath.

  6. Sarah, love, I was reading your Chronicles piece about your sadness on Lag B'Omer, and it occurred to me just how understandable your emotional response is. It seems to me that what you're "observing" is something of a yahrzeit. Yes, you woke up from the coma, which is a cause for celebrating with many prayers of thanksgiving. I'm sure I'm not the only one of your friends and relatives who consistently send up those prayers. But at the same time, you still feel grief for the two months of your life that are lost and can never be retrieved. I'm also sure you continue to grieve for the other things you've lost since--your mobility, your independence, your peace of mind (will this horrible thing come back?), the joy of spontaneous quality times with your husband and kids, your feelings of security, and L-rd knows what else. That grief is real, and it would surprise me greatly if this anniversary didn't open the wounds caused by all you've lost.

    What to do about it? I wish I, or anyone else, could provide easy answers, but there are none. Yet, if you can recognize the situation for what it is and accept that the losses are real, perhaps that will help in the healing. It must complicate things that you keep having to face more surgeries that consistently raise the specter of what happened seven years ago, and I suspect that contributes to your waffling about whether to do them. But underneath the doubts, you know what you need to do and you're preparing to do it. Kol ha k'vod! Obviously your goals are to be free--or freer--from pain, to restore your mobility and get on with the business of living as wife, mother, and person. Underneath it all, you know that you'll do what it takes to achieve those goals. And with the help of everyone's prayers, the skill of your doctors, and the help of family and friends who love you, you will achieve that goal.

    Much love,

    1. Once again, dear Mardi, you said it so well. Your support is unwavering. Your words speak to exactly what is happening with me, in my thoughts and physically. How do youdo that from so far away? Well, I know how- you not only are an incredibly intuitive lady, but you have also been through the wringer with health issues and surgeries. You *know* this stuff. the feelings, the hardships, the difficult decisions. And I love you for that.
      Thank you for your words; your love that is written in them.
      Here's some lovin' right back atcha!! <<<>>>

  7. Sarah, your friend Mardi said it so well. This anniversary is a yortzeit and you're in mourning. And it's not like you can just move on totally, given that you experience pain and NF-imposed limitations every day. And yet the fact that you've found meaning and growth in this suffering, and that you are in a constant conversation with Hashem, means you are indeed progressing in your journey toward healing.