Tuesday, February 10, 2015

About withdrawal and God.

I'm still doing it.... on course with my withdrawal from Fentanyl.

The first week is awful, and then I can deal better the next week, then we go around and do it again. My sleeping is medically induced because of the insane restless leg syndrome which is a result of going off the Fentanyl, but at least I am sleeping.(-ish)
In some ways it is getting harder each time because now it is playing with my emotional balance; making me quite unbalanced. I have days of crying now for no known reason. Only in that first week, though.... so far.

I don't need to go into any more detail. I am staying with the program, and I have TOTAL faith that everything is in the right place at the right time. My body has been toxic for a long time. I'm dropping the doses much faster than I went up. It takes however much time it is going to take. I will have the Cannabis when I will have it. For today, that is enough.

The piece below is purely beautiful. It exactly speaks my language as to how I feel about God. It is about how we can, if we want to, just trust that there is a God. God is not a thing. God is not over there, or in existence, rather *is* existence. Torah teaches us that God is the space, the place of the universe, the Soul of all Souls. Torah says that there is nothing *but* God. So where are we? Just an illusion? We exist within God- we are facets of God. As a rabbi who I once learned with (Rav David Aaron) explained, there is none but "the One". We are part of The One. We are SomeOne.

I am a doula. I love everything about babies and bringing them into the world. It is miraculous. They go from growing in a small "god", and literally get born into the existence of the bigger God. It is mind-blowing when you think about it. This piece says it for me. Enjoy.

(I don't want a whole ideological discussion here, or a debate about whether or not God really exists, I just want to share something very, very special to me.)


In a mother’s womb were two babies. One asked the other: “Do you believe in
life after delivery?” The other replied, “Why, of course. There has to be
something after delivery. Maybe we are here to prepare ourselves for what
we will be later.”
“Nonsense” said the first. “There is no life after delivery. What kind of
life would that be?”
The second said, “I don’t know, but there will be more light than here.
Maybe we will walk with our legs and eat from our mouths. Maybe we will
have other senses that we can’t understand now.”
The first replied, “That is absurd. Walking is impossible. And eating with
our mouths? Ridiculous! The umbilical cord supplies nutrition and
everything we need. But the umbilical cord is so short. Life after delivery
is to be logically excluded.”
The second insisted, “Well I think there is something and maybe it’s
different than it is here. Maybe we won’t need this physical cord anymore.”
The first replied, “Nonsense. And moreover if there is life, then why has
no one has ever come back from there? Delivery is the end of life, and in
the after-delivery there is nothing but darkness and silence and oblivion.
It takes us nowhere.”
“Well, I don’t know,” said the second, “but certainly we will meet Mother
and she will take care of us.”
The first replied “Mother? You actually believe in Mother? That’s
laughable. If Mother exists then where is She now?”
The second said, “She is all around us. We are surrounded by her. We are of
Her. It is in Her that we live. Without Her this world would not and could
not exist.”
Said the first: “Well I don’t see Her, so it is only logical that She
doesn’t exist.”
To which the second replied, “Sometimes, when you’re in silence and you
focus and you really listen, you can perceive Her presence, and you can
hear Her loving voice, calling down from above.”

(apparently an unknown author, if anyone finds out who to attribute it to, please let me know.)


  1. Oh that is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing it. It is a beautiful way to illustrate G*d.

    I think about you a lot -- hoping all is going well. I've been so busy, it's hard to write, but know I'm there in spirit.
    Hugs, Jackie

    1. Hi Jackie,

      Thanks for writing! I always love hearing from you.
      Things are actually going pretty well, thank Gd. I am in a good place- in the zone of having my body used to the newest dose, before I lower it again. It's supposed to be tomorrow, but I am going to postpone it- last week was a killer. i want to live in this zone for a longer time, you know? I have figured out a decent medicinal cocktail that can settle my restless leg and get me to sleep, and i have been able in the past few days to get up early- for ME- 9:30am is early. I want to keep that going. That is the way I'll be able to write.

      Anyway, I feel an optimistic tendency these days- a sort of paradigm shift. I think the course in meditation/relaxation for chronic pain has actually helped me a lot. My mind has shifted away from the "go-to" emotion of victimization. It's interesting to see/feel emotional healing. It's true what they say that time heals all wounds. We never have the information at the outset as to exactly *how much* time we are talking about, though- that is the tricky part of going through it.

      Sending big cyber hugs your way! We are dealing here with a huge, disgusting sand storm here- for two days now. Everything is filthy, and the sand flying around makes the skies orange/grey, makes our mouths gritty, our eyes sting, and our noses feel like dirt filters. Not to mention the houses getting one thick layer of dirt every square inch of it. I'd rather this, though, than the snow I have been hearing about and seeing in pictures. Snow is so hard to deal with. Physically hard- all the digging and slipping around. I don't miss it!

      take care over there!

  2. Wow! All I can say. Awesome. I'm going to forward this piece to some people. You're pretty awesome too with this w/drawal business. Kol hakavod. You'll be able to teach doctors and patients about what it takes to get healthy. How emotional healing is so crucial to physical healing. I have a friend who wrote an article in a medical journal regarding her experience (different than yours).


  3. Dear, dear Sarah,

    Just did some research for you.


    Here it says that it's from a book called "Your Sacred Self" by Dr. Wayne Dyer.

    HOWEVER, I learned a very similar parable many years ago while learning from a sefer called Gesher Hachaim (a sefer on death and mourning. The first and second parts of the sefer are on halacha. The third is hashkafa. Rabbi Lamm speaks of it here on Chabad.org.


    Sending lots of love,

    1. Thank you for your sleuth-ery! I had a feeling someone would do more research about it for me.
      Wherever it originated, it is very, very special, that is for sure.
      And so are you, my friend;
      Cyber hugs going out to you!