Sunday, June 21, 2015

Pain. Acceptance. Faith. (eat, pray, love?)

I am honestly not sure if I can keep going with this level of pain. This is what was lurking behind all that narcotic pain medicine, and it is hitting me like a hurricane. I had hurricane warnings, so to speak, but it is much stronger than I thought it'd be. It's very nice to go off pain killers while the medicine is still actively helping with pain. I learned that we *do* forget pain. Just like they say with women and childbirth; if we didn't forget pain, we'd all only have one child. I forgot what was there at the outset of this pain-relief seeking episode 5 years ago, after the surgery to put the mesh into gapey. Either I forgot, or I was lulled into thinking that after this long, it's sure to be better than it was then.

I am presently unmedicated, thank Gd, but what does that mean for the long run?

Well, one thing I pretty much know, almost for sure, is that I will be going through with the surgery to fix my right thigh joint. I have had a lot of fears about it, understandably. What I know is that getting rid of the problem in the right side will lessen my burden of pain exponentially. It won't alleviate it altogether, because the left side bears the brunt of much damage and causes pain as well, of course. I intuitively feel, and have confirmation from the important people in my life, that fixing the right thigh will, in the end, be beneficial if I am going to live life unmedicated.

I have an important MRI on Wednesday. It is for both thigh joints, pelvis, and abdomen. It's going to be long (they told me 45 mins to an hour), and since I have to be fasting, I know it is with contrast agent intravenously, as well. I am relieved to finally have the test, and know for sure what is going on in me. The biggest question is whether or not the PVNS is in the right joint. If it is, than we have no choice but to operate and get it taken out. If it isn't, and the pain is from the impingement and labrum tear, than I have pretty much decided I will fix that, as well. So, unless there are findings of PVNS in the left thigh joint (which there was in 2008 and  has a 50% rate of recurrence), I am looking at surgery for the right thigh, probably in October, after the Jewish holidays.

Well, I can plan, of course, but whatever really happens is the Big Boss's decision.

What I do know is that now more than ever I feel that I am in category of "chronically ill". I hate that label. Since I went off the pain meds, though, it has become clear to me that I am there. You'd think I'd have admitted that years ago... all I can say is that there are differing levels of acceptance of one's situation in life over the years, and having increased pain has been an eye-opener for me. It's forcing me (and my family) to realize that the situation is worse than we had been accustomed to. A wake-up call. I am not willing to go back to narcotics- no way. The price was too high, with no end in sight.

I guess any way we slice it (no pun intended), in May of 2007 when I got NF, I was entering into an uncharted world that would change every single molecule and centimeter of my and my family's known existence. I never dreamed of retiring early from my careers (I was 39). I thought we'd have more kids. I was in the prime of the "creative years". I never dreamed of any of this. I don't want any of this. But as I teach my children, accepting reality is the first step toward faith. I say that because usually accepting reality means accepting a circumstance that we don't want or are not happy with. Admitting that we are in a situation like that, in my eyes, naturally lends itself to striving to make it better. In my world that means turning toward Hashem, and leading a life of emunah (faith). The more connected we are with that Life Source, the more our life is blessed with what we need.

Like the Rolling Stones said, (with a beautiful horn solo in the beginning of the song) "you can't always get what you want...... but if you try sometimes... you get what you need." The "try sometimes" is where the growth is. "Try" is related to the word "trial". And that is exactly what these experiences give us, our trials that comprise our lives.


  1. אמן, מאמין, אמונה שלמה בגן אמונה

  2. It seems when I got your filing cabinet, I got a little bit extra: a glimpse into your life and your strength.

    All these unexpected and unwanted experiences are given to us for a purpose. With your belief in G-d you will get through it. There is no doubt.

    In the meantime, after the test, drink a little root beer/cream soda...


    1. Thanks, Arlene! (For anyone curious, Arlene was the reciever of a filing cabinet we gave away. Empty. :)
      I'd love to find some root beer or cream soda in this city! Never seen it here. Ideas?


  3. Oy sweetheart -

    My heart goes out to you.
    If you ever want me to try and help you with a homeopahty protocol,
    please let me know.
    I love you,