Saturday, October 3, 2015

When evil makes it's way into your soul

Holding Wazi
(that's Emma's tail in the lower left.)

I took this picture to document my decision that this would be last time I will hold Azriel (10) while I'm standing. He is getting big and heavy, Gd bless him, and his jumping up on me needs to come to an end.

That very night, hours after this picture was taken, two parents were killed in their car, in cold blood, while their four children witnessed the whole thing. They were overtaken by terrorists, and killed by direct bullets, dead immediately. The nine-year-old (the oldest child in the car) gave his account of the story. Traumatized, he explained in graphic detail the murder of his parents. I read each word he said. Then I screamed.

Well, back up... what happened before I screamed? I wanted to show Robert the boy's statement, I needed him to read it. Robert was focused on his cooking for Shabbat, and knew it was too heavy to read, and said he's just not available to read it right then. I said "the four-month-old was probably a nursing infant". "You know, 87% of Israeli mothers breastfeed". Robert doubted that statistic (I had read it on a blog about this terror incident. You can see that blog here.). He said that the statistic is probably not accurate.

I blew up. I exploded. The pain was too much for me to contain. I yelled at him. "Is that all you can say that the statistic isn't correct??" (our kids were all there, too). Then, escaping to my room, I wailed hard, loud tears, and literally screamed- animal screams- a few times I think. It was the height of pain. Pain for the evil that exists in this world, in my country, under our noses, while all we can do is to keep praying and strengthen our faith. This isn't about my politics, or anything else. It's about humanity, it's about Israel, and it's about being Jewish in Israel. And on Friday, it was about my unfiltered, undiluted pain in the face of evil. (special note here- shortly into my gut-wrenching screams, Robert came upstairs and comforted me by saying "I know you are upset about the murders, I'm sorry I misread you." I continued to wail, but it was in his comforting presence. I apologized to him for cutting him down. Later, right before I lit Shabbat candles, I apologized to the children for having yelled at abba, and told them what it was really about.)

It was also about those four children. Reading what that 9-year-old said about his parent's murder hit me in the middle of my soul... my youngest is about that age (he turned 10 last week). Those words don't make sense coming from a 9-year-old's mouth.
Four orphans. A nursing infant. How is it possible to contain this pain, this epitome of evil?

There was a lot of loving and hugging (of all my kids) going on in this house this Shabbat. It may be not wise for me to hold my 10-year-old while standing anymore, but, hold him I will do. Any way I can, for as long as I can. By the will of Gd.

PS- this evening, shortly beore I sat down to write my blog, the news reported on another three people who were killed in Jerusalem (in the old city) over Shabbat, while on their way to pray at the Kotel. One father was holding his baby. That father died, the baby is in the hospital. Two other people were killed in the attack as well.
.....When.  Will.  It.  End.....


  1. Speechles......I feel so sad and angry!

  2. So choked up, the last thing the father said to his children was "run". Horrible.

    1. They might have been better off if they had run, not to see what they saw. But who am I to say how they would have been better off.We don't make the decrees, do we.

  3. I'm so with you, Sarah, feeling such pain for this family. For our "family."
    Love you!