On being fearless and gaining strength

It's so hard *not* to write about the daily murderous terror attacks that are happening here. I almost feel like I shouldn't write about it because, well, many people's opinions are that I chose to live here and raise my family here, and nobody is making me stay. I'm not writing this in order to defend my decision (but I will defend it with all my might and soul). The fact is, though, that Jewish people are getting stabbed, deliberately run-over, and shot, every day in my country. People are dying. Children are mercilessly orphaned. Outside of Israel, of course, also, but I'm talking about here... home. I don't have to tell you my intricate feelings about this all. I am not scared, though, and I teach my children not to be scared. Cautious, yes. Unfortunately, everyone who looks Arab (whether or not they are) awakens suspicion in us. It's just reality. Sorry if I offended you. (am I sorry?)

It's hard to blog about my "stuff".
I am torn up by the losses we have suffered at the hands of terrorists, many of them children (the terrorists, I mean). Today a 21-year-old woman, cut down in the prime of her life.

Today we had to make a trip to Jerusalem, to a meeting at Ya'akov's yeshiva. We took the notorious "tunnel roads" because it is the quickest way to the area of Jerusalem where his school is located. There have been "incidents" on that road. We went through the standard check-points. Scary, strange, real and surreal at the same time. I worry for our soldiers posted there. They are bullet-proof on their entire torso, and neck, and are armed to the max, of course. They look in our car windows as we approach, and quickly size us up and wave us on. As we pass, the guards are already looking two and three cars behind us. It could happen any time, anywhere. Stuck in road-work traffic further down that road, we were stopped completely. Vulnerable. Who are the road workers walking by our cars, and where do they come from? They are looking directly at us in our car, in our eyes. Are they going to "snap" and suddenly become terrorists? That's how it's been going lately. I could go on and on about my feelings each and every time I read of another terror attack (daily). I won't, though. You get it. We are cautious, vulnerable, defensive, but not scared. I won't be scared in my own home land. And yes, Israel will always be my home.

My recovery is pretty much back on track, thank Gd. At this point, after a normal day (not like today with the traveling) the pain is now markedly *less* than it was before surgery. That is a miracle in itself. I am healing, and getting stronger. I have a lot of strength to build, though. Believe it or not, physical therapy *still* hasn't started. It's astounding how the health services can drag things out. I have been given the run-around about getting the proper approvals for physical therapy and hydrotherapy, both of which the orthopedist ordered. It's now almost five weeks after surgery, and NEITHER form of therapy has started, regardless of my daily phone calls to the clinics and managers. It's really crazy. When I go back to my surgeon, he's not going to be happy. It was supposed to start at the two-week point. As far as I understand today, at least the regular physical therapy will start soon. Don't know about the hydrotherapy. I may have my surgeon's secretary call my health clinic. Maybe she can make waves for hydrotherapy.

In the meantime, I am going for walks every day, trying to build up some muscle again.

My sleeping is completely off, though. I go to sleep relatively early, wake up in the middle of the night sometime, and find it almost impossible to fall back to sleep for three hours or so. I want to get back on track... although I don't know what is throwing it off track in order to correct it....

The flare-up I had last week with the fever and pain is gone now. I know it will flair up again, though, because I have had it many times before. The next time it flairs up, I just have to be more aggressive about getting it imaged during the flare-up in order to see what it is that is hurting so much.

I am so sick of going to get tests done and fighting for my health care. I don't want to pay any attention to this flare-up as long as it's gone. It's just all too much sometimes. I am happy ignoring things that aren't immediately pressing. I know that's not the right attitude, but it comes from being overwhelmed with health-care chores.

Tomorrow (I think) I'm going to start driving again. The trip to Jerusalem today took a lot out of me (Robert drove both ways, I'm just talking about the traveling itself and the activities of the day), and I hope I am up to regular life tomorrow. If not tomorrow, than soon. I have a lot of pain and exhaustion now- today is the busiest I've been on my feet since the surgery.

Overall, though, I have to say, I feel that things are going to be good in the pain department. I already feel that the surgery alleviated much of the pain I had from the right side. When I rehabilitate the leg more, and slowly gain strength, I can see a future of easier days, with the help of Gd!! Five weeks in, and I feel quite optimistic. Maybe by spring time I'll actually be able to do a hike with my family? There's a dream...