Tuesday, February 23, 2016

It looks normal, but it's really not

I'm posting some wonderful pictures of a trip we took to visit the "kalaniyot"- the wild red flowers that bloom in the Negev area of Israel (southern area, where we live). I think they are called Anemones in English. My brother came to Israel for a visit, and we had some very nice times together. Along with this trip, we also had a [surprise] birthday party for Ya'akov, who just turned 16! Good that uncle Peter was here for that, too.

the family... the picnic

Kalaniyot- Anemones- fields full of them

You're not allowed to pick them, Shifra....

Emma came with us

Dov and Robert
A picture that was photo-bombed by a certain child putting horns on me.

The birthday gang in the living room
The cake (thanks again, BD)

The gang holding the Man of the Evening

After this wonderful photo montage, I'll say that I have been again (still?) fighting this bronchitis, through all our trips and activities. Loud, brassy, barky, unending coughs erupt from deep inside my chest, and it just won't stop. No other symptoms accompany it... no fever, stuffiness, nothing. Just a terrible dry cough. I have been trying to live life normally, doing everything normally, just with a cough. I can do that for a while... push through the symptoms. I exercise almost daily. But doing that while my body is fighting something, catches up on me. That would be right about... now.

Also Gapey is again getting involved. It is hurting from the coughing, and probably soon will show signs of internal bleeding. What the heck am I supposed to do about this? I will go see my doctor one of these days, but I don't think anything can be done. It probably has to run it's course. None of the cough medicines work. I'm taking also a mixture of honey/ginger/cumin, but that's not helping either. For a few nights it's been so bad that I took a narcotic (light dose Percocet) just to quiet the cough and get some sleep. You *know* I am completely against putting narcotics into my body. That's called desperation.

Thing is, now that I think of it, I have had a mild cough since the surgery, four months ago... since I had (have) that throat-click issue. The dislocated cartilage. It wasn't much of a cough in the beginning, but I wonder if this bronchial awfulness has anything to do with that? (I've been hoping to cough the cartilage back into place, but that's not yet happened.)

I don't want to deal with any more tests, or diagnoses that go on a bizarre path, or a new set of issues. I don't want to have to find a new set of specialists for this problem. It's not going away, though, and that just sucks. Many people have this going on, I hear. I used to have ongoing coughs every winter while I was in Boston, and also here, during my pregnancies especially. Then, one year I didn't get bronchitis. I stopped getting it for many years. Now, it's back. But I am not the person who I used to be. I used to just go to work at the orchestra, be pregnant, nurse, keep my regular busy routine, but just with a stubborn bronchitis.

Now, perhaps it is the same cough, but I am different. Now, I have to deal with internal bleeding from coughing, and the fact that it makes me *much* more tired than it used to. Or maybe it always made me tired, but only now do I listen to my body.

I just want to get back on my feet and go through my days... like I am normal.

But I'm just not. Not normal. I keep trying to be, but I'm not.

Please Gd grant me the ability to accept what is. 

Yesterday while I was in my *last* physical therapy session (!), I ran into my physical therapist who I had last year. She asked me if I am playing again. I said no... and then I was at a complete loss to explain myself. From her reactions and facial expressions, I wound up feeling like I am not living up to my goals, or am not making time enough to do it.

I have said this a lot, and I said it to her yesterday, that people who don't live with chronic problems can't possibly understand how it can be that I am not playing horn, or working my doula practice. It is impossible to explain. I told her about the sleep problems which lead to almost daily headaches, and that lack of proper sleep is only one of the issues I am dealing with. She knows I just had surgery, and knows that it is healing well (thank Gd!!), so now there should be nothing in my way, right? I coughed a little while we were talking, and I told her I have a stubborn cough for a few months now. She had a look on her face like "stop making excuses. You need to be doing what you love".

It's just another one of those times.


  1. Hi Sare,
    it's great to hear from you again. I love your photos. Your family looks great.
    One comment... it may be entirely possible that that physical therapist you were speaking with had absolutely none of those thoughts that you attributed to her.... your perceptions of her facial expressions may have just mirrored your own thoughts. I know this happens all the time, and my grandmother would have her "faces" and I would assume they reflected critical thoughts... but they didn't. You were in an insecure moment, feeling critical of yourself, and the therapist could have been thinking about something entirely irrelevant.
    We all have our weak moments, even in our most confident of times. Wishing you and all women the bracha to feel good about ourselves wherever we are at any given moment, knowing we are all striving to be the best we can be in the palm of HKBH.

    1. Yah. Read below what I responded to my friend Jolie.... :)


  2. I am feeling your frustration. I know that you are in a good place, even though it is hard to sometimes feel that truly in its fullness. This life has so many strange turns to it. Keep walking upright. I'm right behind you.

  3. so sorry you are feeling awful. but those pics of your family are
    just terrific! focus on you getting better, one day at a time!

  4. You send me that physical therapist’s name and I will give her jolly well what for!!!! How dare she!!!

    You keep your chin up, girl. You are doing more than anyone else could ever do with all you’ve got going on. Shame on her!!

    love you

    1. Thanks, Jolie,
      What my friend Dev said up top here may well be true. I may have read into her expressions to reflect my own insecurities. Happens to all of us. But I also know the physical therapist well (as I said, she was from last year- the one I have had for the past few months has been *wonderful*!), and she just is a judgemental person. Anyway, no matter. It certainly does feed on my insecurities.
      Just gotta get more secure. :)