The storm after the storm... praying for calm

(this is not as up-to-date as today, but I'll catch up with more when I can. Life has been c r a z y.)

August 3rd

I'm presently in a lovely, quiet lounge at the airport in Munich. I have a few hours before my flight home. I've been away for five weeks. It's been a very intense five weeks.

I still can't believe that my mother is gone.

One thing that struck me strongly as I stood at the cemetery, tearfully shoveling dirt into her grave, was the old saying “you can't take it with you”. In the end, death is just between you and Gd.

I didn't know then that it would be a reminder I'd have to use in my very near future... when I found out this morning that our house was broken into while we were gone. Robert and the kids arrived home safely yesterday (thank the Good Lord for their safe flights), and found the house in shambles. Things were strewn everywhere, a large-scale robbery. Police were called, investigation happened already, under Robert's diligence.

The neighbors had no idea.

I don't yet know what damage to expect. Lots was stolen. I can't even think about it. Robert said my closet cannot even be entered (it's a walk-in), it's totally blocked with all my stuff everywhere. Can't say I am so looking forward to dealing with this.

(but yes, thank Gd we have insurance for everything)

I also am going on very, very little sleep. Like for about three nights now, I have barely slept... one night not even one minute. I just read a lot and listened to podcasts.

I ran out of my sleeping pills. I called my father's doctor to see if he would write me a prescription for them, but it turns out that that particular ingredient of sleeping pill is not used in America. He looked under generic categories as well as brand name, and it is manufactured and prescribed only in Israel. When we discussed the possibility of giving me a different type of sleeping pill, he was very uncomfortable with all the medication allergies I have. He said that it's not a good time to experiment. He's right of course. He gave me an anti-anxiety pill, but it doesn't work for me. No sleep. At all. My body literally forgot how to fall asleep. I just had an 8 hour flight, I took two of the anti-anxiety pills beforehand, but they did nothing. I watched a movie, read my book, walked around the plane, watched part of another movie, read more.... you get the idea. Now I don't know if I should stay off them and try to wean, or go back on them so I can get some real sleep. It's a very hard decision. Not as easy as you probably think. My body has been trained to sleep with these pills for NINE years. Every night. That's a *lot* of time. It's the longest time I've been dependent on any medicine. I want to be off them, but with what is happening now, not sleeping at all, I don't think I can take it. I don't know how to proceed.

Robert read on the internet that it could take years to wean off this particular sleeping pill, and be rid of side effects. What I know is that being off them for four days didn't do anything except make me not fall asleep. I don't know what to do.

Most of this trip, though, except for a few epic migraines, I've been very strong. I've surprised myself with my strength- both internal and external. Very minimal hip pain, too.

Mostly I am worried about my dad now. It's the first time since his wife of 58 years passed away, that he will be in the house without other family members. Me & my family stayed with him in the house for almost 4 weeks, and the week before that was the week of shiva, when my brothers and I stayed the whole time, and many people were in and out all day and evening.

My mother's aide, bless her heart, is staying with him, still living in the house.

I don't know how permanent or temporary that is. There are many unknowns. I hope he will come to Israel, and maybe even stay so we can be near him. He really thrived when we were around him a lot. I especially loved hearing him singing some of his old Yiddish songs to the kids.

It's going to be very hard on him with this transition. It was so hard for me to leave him this morning.

Things are rough all over, I guess.

It's our job to love, to give, and pray for health. All the other stuff? You can't take it with you.