Monday, October 10, 2016

Animosity comes to visit for Yom Kippur... coincidence?

It flares up from time to time, this feeling of animosity toward the surgeon.
It flares up when my quality of life is disrupted more than the amount I have grown accustomed to.

One day before Yom Kippur,
when we are supposed to be careful about our thoughts and words,
I'm feeling anger.
Hostility, resentment, scorn, antagonism, bitterness.

These feelings really aren't part of my life any more. I shed them long ago.

But they come back, in the realm of my medical issues, when I am suffering because of his mistakes.

I remember one of those hospital days, when I had NF, I told him I can't feel a certain part of my body. He looked down to the floor, casting an embarrassed air, and said "the whole area was involved".

Involved. Indeed it was. At the time, I had no idea what was in store.

Lymphedema has gotten really bad. Even the pressure garment is not helping.
Help is on the way, but not until Oct 25th, that was the earliest appointment I could get with my lymphatic draining lady from years past. Nobody does it privately, I have a very rare type (of course).

I just had a two/three day flu. Fever, chills, joint pains, headache. Lots of people have gotten it.
The night I was shivering with fever, though, when different things in my gut were hurting, it got really scary. We know bad infections here. I've been through hell. I know what it looks like beforehand, too. We get more scared than most people. (I call it the infection ghost)

I did go to the doctor the next day. She gave me referral to the ER, just in case I needed it. She wasn't sure, either. If things get worse, go. If not, then just get better.
Thankfully I got to throw the referral away today.

I still have one spot that hurts way too much. I couldn't even touch it the night my fever spiked, it hurt like it was on fire. That particular spot has hurt on and off for over a year, and we don't know what it is. We may never know.

So, with tomorrow being Yom Kippur, how do I sum this up?
I can't.
Life is messy. Not everything can be contained in a pithy statement or two.
I'll just keep on working on myself and doing my best to take care of myself and others.

May everyone have a Yom Kippur filled with sincere dialogue with The Creator, and have the strength needed to forgive those who have made a mess in our lives... and to forgive ourselves.


  1. You have an àmazing perspective on life. Stay strong.

  2. Yes, the situation is messy. Forgiveness, repentance and tshuva can also be messy. Stay the course.

  3. Amen. I hope the holiday is a blessing to you.

    Hugs, Jackie