Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Faking it

I am faking it. Faking at life. You see me, you ask if I am better from the headaches, I say "yes, baruch Hashem", and it's somewhat true. I am still getting headaches from the spinal tap, in the evenings, and my lower back still hurts where the test was done. But I won't say that. I'll just say, "yes, I'm over the worst of it. I was in bed for two weeks, but thank Gd it's passed."

That's partially true.

But the big picture? I don't know how much more I can take of strange, painful, unusual medical events happening to me on a regular basis. I mean, what's the deal?



I'm tired. I'm *exhausted*. I am having a hard time getting "up" again, in the big sense of getting up after another medical throw-down. I am having a harder and harder time justifying that I need to take care of myself, try to get to the gym, cook healthy foods. I have been doing things since the headaches went away, but it is a constant inner dialogue to push, to do, to go, to accomplish. It is physically and mentally exhausting to be constantly behind the 8-ball, so to speak. I want to stay in pajamas all day and not venture out. I feel beaten down, my spirit chewed up.

I wish I had a spiritual counselor who could help me try to make sense of my life. I don't understand. I am losing my drive, my love of life.
I used to have a rav who I would have talked to about this stuff, but he is no longer with us... (Ayelet, we miss him so much. Many times his name comes up, may his memory always be blessed).

Medical problems consume- as in swallow up and burn- any energy or life force that a person used to have. If it weren't for my kids, I'd be somewhere in nowhere land.

I constantly feel that I take two steps forward and three steps back.
Health is **Everything**.

13 comments :

  1. Hugs, Sarah. I wish I had words of wisdom and a magic pill to make it all better. You are valued, not only by your husband and children, but by the many people whose lives you have touched in a positive way. One day at a time, one step at a time.

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  2. Thinking of you Sarah, Jackie put it perfectly.

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  3. Sometimes not really having much choice other than to plod on saves us from spending the day in pajamas. Sorry you are in that mindspace but I am always surprised how much you do despite everything. You are a fighter but even fighters need a breather and some good luck. Hope that is what is around this corner. Think how much you have accomplished with your meds withdrawals and hope you find someone to talk to to raise your spirit.

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  4. I have nothing to add. Just ditto to everything your wise and loving friends (above) said. You've accomplished so much but it's so exhausting. Maybe just allow yourself to be in this space right now. It will pass.

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  5. Wiling to be your sounding board. Let me know.

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  6. Sarah, I agree that it is perfectly fine to be in a "funk" for as long as you need. Don't forget, you are still rebounding from your mother's passing and your house getting robbed, along witht your medical issues. That's a lot. Your mere presence makes so many peoples lives happier-don't forget that!

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    1. Thanks everyone.
      I feel this is more than a "funk" though, the past two weeks of head pain was awful awful for me. Kenneth, thanks for your sweet words. It's true about the other stuff your said as well, still dealing with my mom's passing and the robbery. I guess I'm just feeling a spiritual and physical low, depletion, after this headache ordeal (which isn't completely passed yet).
      Like, OK, Hashem, what am I missing in my faith for you now? What am I supposed to be doing differently? It's depressing.

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  7. Your such a wonderful person ! Feel better and sending you a huge cyber hug.

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  8. Sending you hugs and thinking of you and hoping things improve soon.

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  9. You have endured more than anyone I know...you have every right to feel the way you do for as long as you need to; it saddens me to see you beaten down as you put it and I pray for a revival in your health & faith.

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  10. Oh Sarah, please don't be down on yourself for feeling down. You're going through a lot. Sending you a hug, and I'm still petitioning your Maker to make you all whole.

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    1. I'm beginning to wonder if "all whole" can realistically be acheived....

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