Tuesday, January 31, 2017

My fight is gone

I want to scream from the hilltops: This Is Not Me!!! I am not the one who is weak, in pain, and often feeling ill. Who the hell took Sarah and left this ghost in her place? I don't want this life. I want life, but not this one.

These days I am one "how are you" away from crying. Raw.

I think Gd cries with us when we are sad

Since age 39 I lost my careers. I was an orchestral musician and a birth doula (y'all know that).

I still feel the victim of someone's mistakes. I feel that my life, as I was building it, was stolen from me. No, I have not gotten over it yet. Or maybe I did get over one stage of it, but it's back for more healing. The thing is that it happened when I was young... it's a long time to live the life of a patient rather than working at the careers I loved. I *want* to work, and can't. I'm 48 years old, reasonably with a long life ahead of me still... of this? Do you know how awful it is to be turned into a full-time patient? I never feel well, I don't know what is wrong this time. I am avoiding going to my orthopedist, avoiding doing the next round of blood tests. Should I go back to the vitamin doctor? (I am still taking a good strong regimen of vitamins) Is there a test I could do that would show us why I never feel well anymore? What would life feel like if I got some strength back?

I started back with my previous therapist, hopefully that will help some.

I don't like being this me. I walk through my days, sometimes better than other times, but, talk about mourning... first my Mom, then Sabrina, and... and now the old me. This is the hard stuff of life. Dealing with the fallout.

Someone told my yesterday that I should do "inspirational speaking". I don't feel very inspirational, though. I feel like a wash-out.

I think Sabrina's passing is working it's sadness on me. She was always my "person" who was fighting harder with her harder medical problems. Since she's gone, I feel like "what's it all really for"? Why fight so hard?

My fight is gone.


  1. All I can do is send you my heart full Sarah. I wish I could hold you and cry with you.

  2. Hey Sarah, I more than hear you. I am usually right at the edge of tears, sometimes without even being aware of it. But you're strong - even at your weakest. Let's talk.

  3. I am in so much pain to hear how much you are suffering. You are still a birth doula and a great one. I am davvening this nightmare will end and you will be back to work.Wish you had strength to inform and help birthing women in a capacity other than a doula,,ie; phone info or something! It would give you something to look forward to. Missing you, Sarah