I can't do this too much longer

You know, I can handle a lot of stuff. I mean, a lot. You guys read my blog, you know what I am capable of. But piling on a lot of pain, I can't do that too long. I'm out of the game.

I'm in too much pain. This belly problem has not yet been solved. Things have been found, but no decisions have been made. Yes, there is a gall stone, that could be the cause. There is some gynecological stuff going on, but I really don't think that is what is causing all this pain. I see that as "the devil we know"... endometriosis, fibroids, cysts.... it couldn't cause this kind of pain, or loss of appetite. I've known the endometriosis pain for years, I know what it feels like. I know what the cysts feel like. The fibroid is new, but I don't think that is the cause of this pain, I just don't think that's it.

I saw a gastro doctor last week before Rosh Hashana and he wrote a list of a whole bunch of other tests to get done. I'll get to those this week. Most of them tomorrow- blood test, poo, and an upper abdominal ultrasound, also tomorrow. I hope (in a weird way) that we get some answers from that. I can't go on like this with no answers. I'm really functioning at a low level. I'm treading water so long that I completely forgot that I actually love swimming. Soon I'm going to forget how to.

I can get up and get around. But with pain. I got to shul (synagogue) on Rosh Hashana, once, for a few hours, but barely could pray. Too much pain. My prayer book barely got used this holiday. I did make it to our friend's house, and we also did have friends over, and I was around, but not really. One meal we hosted good friends and I had a migraine on top of the belly pain so I wasn't there at all. I missed sharing our traditional Rosh Hashana meal with them. It made me so sad.

Speaking of migraines, lately it seems that my headaches are winning the tug-of-war with the Topomax.... I don't know if that means we'll have to raise to dose or what. Every day now for four or five days I've had some sort of a strong headache. Twice I could call it a migraine, but not Large Scale. For a while there the Topomax was totally winning the tug-of-war. I can't help but wonder if whatever is going on in my belly is connected to headaches as well.....

It's really true what they say that if you don't have your health, not much else matters.

I mean, of course life matters. My family, it all matters intensely. But living in pain 24/7-- THIS level of pain, I didn't sign up for this. I'm used to low level pain, in my hips, my knee, on my skin graft, pain from the mesh- localized, deal with-able. I can't do this too much longer. I don't seem to have much choice, though, do I. I haven't even started the game of trying to see which pills may or may not take it away, because that is a slope that I have lots of experience with.... that could also land me in the hospital with rebound headaches, and my body getting too used to analgesics. Been there, done that. I am just waiting out these waves- tidal waves - often just steady gushes of pain in my belly. Today is the first day that lying down is not fully taking the pain away. NOT GOOD.

It's very lonely.

We just have to keep doing tests and hope we find an answer. And pray that the solution to FIX it is relatively simple.

But knowing me....not much on my journey to health has been clear or simple in the least.

I'm kind of losing my cool about this, though. It's too much pain, for too long.