Saturday, December 30, 2017

State of the Union

We don't have a house cleaner..... and we have a 10+1/2 room, 3+1/2 bathroom house.
It has always been a point of contention between Robert & I, me wanting a cleaner and him against it. We have had a few through the years, but two of them we had to fire for different reasons. Then we had the big robbery a year and a half ago, and hiring a cleaner felt too risky.

But I can hardly do ANYTHING these days. I'm telling you, any time on my feet is time in hard pain. I cannot keep up with the cleaning. And I have high standards.

The other day I just got so fed up with the grime in the kitchen I started cleaning. In complete agonizing pain. This was after I had blown up at Robert for not keeping the computer room neat and clean. I was just FED UP with the dirt. So I cleaned. And I cleaned. And it hurt so much, on a scale of 1 to 10 I was way off the scale. And I was red angry inside. I was feeling a victim of Robert not wanting to get a cleaner, and him not cleaning (by my standards). Now I have set the stage for you-- be prepared.

"I hate you for not getting a cleaning person" yelled LOUD by me with all my pent up anger and pain.
It got worse. I was on a diatribe. A tirade. I said some very cruel things, he came back with not such nice things himself.

We hardly ever fight, but this was so bad. Thank Gd the kids weren't home, because I didn't hold back. Oh, it was so, so, so bad. The worst fight in many many years, if maybe ever. (this being just a few weeks after our 20th wedding anniversary).

The rest of the day and the next day I couldn't talk to him, the anger not abated. He had already agreed to getting a cleaner, but I was too far gone to let things drop.

Now, what happens to me when this anger happens is that I usually turn it in on myself at some point, and the anger turns to tears. I haven't seen this anger in so, so long, but it's still inside me.

The next day (Wednesday night) I became suicidal. Believe it or not, you read that right. I also hadn't seen that "face" in a long, long time (since my bad PTSD days), but I started to convince myself that life is no longer worth living. I am in too much pain, and I can't live this way. The fight with Robert tore me up to my core, and the pain.......... the pain........ it's just too much to handle.

The anger was also at the surgeon who messed up and caused the NF. I wanted to spit in his face.

I have all the medicines necessary to do myself in pretty quickly (more than enough). Drink it down with whatever is in our abundant liquor cabinet, and there was my plan. I had a plan. That is a scary place to be. But at the time I wasn't scared, I was convinced life is just not worth living anymore. The only thing that stopped me is seeing my children's faces in my head, and what it would do to them. I didn't want to ruin their lives forever, traumatize them, devastate them. I couldn't do it because of them. Again, like so many times in this blog, I will say, thank Gd for my kids.

I reached out to my virtual friends on the NF list. I texted to my team, and I heard back from everyone, encouraging me to live, and just staying with me on that chat. I told them about the fight, and that I was suicidal. They helped me. I cried myself to sleep.

Somehow the next day I also couldn't face Robert. It was very hard for me to drop the anger. I was too scared to be vulnerable. That was Thursday. Thursday's are his day off, and I hid away from the family the whole day. I just stayed up in my room and he took over.
Thursday evening he took the kids out to the mall for the shopping they needed. That was when I had a long talk with a friend from the US-- a long time friend who has helped me out of very bad situations before. I had to hack into an old email account that had become defunct (and I forgot the password) to get his phone number, it had been 3 or 4 years since I spoke with him. I called, and heard his voice on the other end of the phone, and was instantly relieved. He was quite surprised, of course, but gave me all the time I needed. Then gave me all the support I needed. I believe Hashem (G-d) guided me with that call. Because after I got off the phone with him, Robert came back from the mall with the kids, and I was able to apologize. We both melted into each other's arms and cried. Both of us. Cried.

That fight was the pain screaming. And my grief... remember I just lost my Dad? Just a little over a month ago. Well, I loved him a real lot. I loved him so much, and I couldn't experience the grief because I am in so much physical pain. But I miss my father so much, that hurts me in my heart.
(But I realize I finally feel freer to write exactly what I need to write because I am no longer worried about getting him too and upset by reading my blogs.)

It was all the pain and the grief talking. Yelling. Grief has to get out. So many tears were shed this week, if God saved them, Israel would have no more drought.

I'm in a bad way. Like, really bad way.
But the state of the union made it through yet another horrible crisis.
And I have my friends to thank for pulling me through it.
And Robert to thank for sticking by my side no matter what. It was I who almost left, not him.

I am going to see the new doctor again tomorrow- Dr. S. I am hanging my hopes on him that he can help me out of this pain. But part of me still thinks we are missing something dark and bad inside me.


  1. EVERYBODY on the planet has said and done stuff we deeply, painfully regret. Welcome to the world of normal.

    I shared a Shabbat meal with the family only yesterday and felt the love radiating from one family member to the other. Seeing Az cuddled in your arms, Shif enjoying her book and the interactions at the meal, Yakov thoroughly enjoying his conversations with all of us, especially with Yohanan, Robert glowing at the group enjoyment of the delicious food he'd prepared, and even Emma the dog appreciating the Shiatsu massage I gave to her (TWICE!) told me that the family is functioning despite the shared pain at your suffering. All of us shared pleasant conversations and attitudes together. It's a refusal to let the pain destroy anything, let alone you.

    Call me whenever you wish (unless I'm teaching or proctoring exams, and we can speak in the evenings. I'm usually available by 4PM), and let's focus on What's Working.

    I appreciate the level of pain you're in. I prayed harder and harder for you to heal as my case of shingles left me feeling that I was dying from the agony (first time in my life that I was certain that a specific something could kill me). I understood from my gut that if you're experiencing that level of pain 24/7, then I have a responsibility to help you to secure the relief. Insight does that to me.

    We're in this together more than ever, Sarah. Let's work together to secure YOUR comfort and a rewarding sense of purpose WITH, BECAUSE OF and DESPITE the pain. Reaching for goals reduces pain. And I have a strong hunch that Dr S is the gateway you need to solving the overall problem.


  2. I'm sorry you're in so much physical and emotional pain, Sarah. You expend so much energy on "keeping it together," and do it so well, but it's important that that pain came out one way or another. You make such a difference on this earth. We need you. I'm praying Dr. S will be able to help you. Sending love.