The calm before the storm

...except that I'm not so calm inside. I show a calm exterior, but don't be fooled. I'm extremely nervous about the surgery.

But for now I have so much to worry about regarding scheduling, and still we're looking for an apartment for the first three weeks of July at least. If it included the last week of June, and the last week of July as well, all the better. We have some options, but one option is in a building with no elevator, and the apartment isn't on the first floor. I don't know if I'll be "doing stairs" directly after the surgery. I just don't know what to expect at all. There will be the big Gapey area to deal with after the skin graft is removed (!!!!), and the wound (hopefully small) from the muscle graft from the other leg. I just don't know what to expect as far as my mobility after the first few very difficult days. I'll be in the hospital for three days, then out-patient. That whole thing makes me nervous. I am worried about pain levels, but actually am traveling with my own pain meds, just in case the doctor is one of those "anti-narcotic because of the epidemic" doctors. I'm not taking any chances.

I could be blowing this all out of proportion, and it could all go very easily and simply. Wouldn't *that* be awesome. Even somewhere in the middle of insanely painful and disabling, and very easily and simply would be acceptable. I'll let ya know.

We are flying this coming Thursday, and the surgery is on the 24th. I am ending also with the day clinic at the psych hospital, my last day is Tuesday. I'm going to make a [gluten free] cake for the occasion for all my cronies there. I will be in touch with them when I am well enough when I return, which might not be the same thing-- I mean returning and being well enough. I might  (I will) need more recovery time when I get back. When I'm ready I'll be back in touch with them and check-in, and follow-up with some after day-clinic procedures. I'll have my medicine follow-up with them, so I'll have a reason to come in every now and then.

As for today, I was happily cooking for Shabbat, while listening to a tape-- yes, a tape-- that I received in the boxes that my brothers packed up for me from my parent's house. It was a tape of the Zamir Chorale of Boston, from 1992, when I was singing with them. I was singing along to all the songs here in my kitchen in Israel, and having a grand 'ol time going down memory lane.

I feel good, I feel optimistic in general about this surgery. Gapey is getting closed up. The hardware is getting removed.... and is being replaced with software, so to speak. This is the surgery I have wanted and planned for many years, and never got around to doing it because either my health wasn't up to it, or I had family celebrations to be "on" for. This is also not really the ideal timing for the kids, but it's happening. And they are adjusting. They are planning.

Oh, I forgot to say, Robert is going to be with me the whole time I'm out there. We decided that is better then flying Shifra out to take care of me and having Robert come back here to take care of the other kids. She is the kid, I am the mother, kids shouldn't need to take care of parents, at least not at this age and stage. Adult kids take care of elderly parents to a certain extent, yes, but that's not what we're dealing with here. She's 16, and this is not a fun vacation, she deserves to be free to be 16. Robert will stay with me the whole time, and we both feel so much better about that. It just never felt right to have Shifra come take care of me. (yes, she's disappointed, but I think she had a different view of how things would be there) It's just not what I want for her, or for me. It didn't feel right, and I listened to my deep inner voice on this. Just after we made this decision, I read an article on Facebook about not making kids be in the caretaker role for parents. It was talking about this type of situation, or of a mental health situation (where the kid feels the need to help get the parent out of sadness that is not about the kid), where it is just not right to expect a kid to take care of a parent. There are exceptions, of course, but they are less than ideal. So I'm glad we could see clearly and be able to plan this way. I am lucky Robert is a teacher who has off summers.

OK, gotta finish preparing for Shabbat. I'm not sure if I'll write again before we leave, I'll be pretty busy, I have to get Azriel ready for camp (shopping), and pack and get ready for this trip. But I will update as soon as I can when I get there.

Shabbat Shalom!