Changing my story

How appropriate that the last time I wrote in this blog I said "Searching for more meaning in life". That was November 2022. My search has come to a very important and exciting conclusion indeed. But before I break that news....

I did finally hear back from my New York surgeon. Finally, after a long wait. He said that the pain I have is from needing a hip replacement, that what he saw in the MRI's- his plastic surgery- all looks good. Everything is where he left it, and it really looks fine. That is good, I don't know what I would have done if he said we needed a revision. In the meantime, I am pretty much able to keep the pain at bay if I take care of myself and don't overdo it. I still don't want to do a hip replacement, I don't think the hip needs it yet. I can still walk to shul and back and usually stay out of pain, and for me that is a barometer of when I'll need to do the hip replacement.

I gotta say, I'm in a really good place with my health. Baruch Hashem. I think that's why I haven't written in so long, things are pretty stable. The NF was 16 years ago, and I finally feel the equilibrium I have craved most of those years that followed. I've worked hard to get that. I still go to the gym three times a week and work hard there. I did have Corona twice, and then bronchitis just a few weeks ago, but I remain strong, Baruch Hashem.

I do still feel twangs of pain and inflexability in the Gapey area (where the NF left the large hole in my abdomen and upper thigh), which is now no longer skin grafts but a long curved scar. But the pain passes pretty quickly. Or I just stop doing what I am doing that is making that pain happen.

I have done a few births in the past months. My doula work has also been very strengthening for me. One birth happened in my car on the way to the hospital. That was interesting! The woman had called me three times before the actual birth happened, and each time I went to her she was in labor and then went out [of labor]. So I left. The last time however was the real deal, and boy did that baby come fast. I was riding in the back of my car while the husband was driving. I needed to be with this laboring woman, I couldn't drive, too. When her water broke (actually outside of the car as we were getting in, at her apartment), she didn't tell me. I had no idea that her water broke, so I was taken off guard when she started pushing. In the back seat of the car. I told her what to do instead of pushing when she feels the urge, and I said "your water hasn't broken yet, we have time". Then she said "yes it did...." OH! I switched modes and told her husband that the baby is coming. I told him to pull over and call the paramedics. As he was on the phone with the paramedics, I caught the baby. Then the placenta. I had found some towels in my doula backpack, and we used those to their maximum capabilities. A beautiful baby girl was in my hands. I put her on the woman's stomach, and things were happy and chill for a few minutes until the paramedics came in their ambulance. I felt a bit shaky with the rapidness of it all, but I also felt great. The couple was very very happy with how everything happened, and with my attentiveness that whole week before the birth. And they had no issues when it came time to pay for the car cleaning. 😅

The second birth was just a few weeks ago. It was wonderful. Not too long, not too crazy fast either. First birth, completely natural from start to finish. The energy in the birthing room between the couple was so positive and completely loving, that it was one of the emotionally easier births I've done. When there is a good vibe going on between the couple, it makes my job so much easier. Not to say that I didn't work my butt off, but the vibe was so positive. There were showers that I got into with her, lots of massaging and so much encouraging, over hours and hours. Baruch Hashem that went well. They, too, are a happy new family.

OK, now for the moment you've all been waiting for.... what did Sarah do to get more meaning in her life?!

Well, as you know I've been doing the jewllery making job now for over three years. It is through the rehabilitation package of the country-wide health care. It has been so good for me. Much like a greenhouse.... warm, gently enclosed , encouraging growth, and providing a little sustainance. I learned the trade, made lots of beautiful pieces, and really enjoyed it there. But at the same time I knew it wasn't fulfilling for me.

Yesterday, May 4th 2023, was the last day of that job for me. It was very special. They threw me a party to say goodbye. Everyone said they'd miss me, and that the studio won't be the same without me. They said lots of nice things to me. I was touched, a little sad, and very excited because of what I was going to.

What would that be, you ask? 

I am finally fulfilling a dream I've had for many years, even before I got sick in 2007.

I am going to nursing school to become a registered nurse. Yup.

I'm going to put all this medical experience I have gotten over the past many years to good use. Eventually I want to work in the women's ward, or labor & delivery, or possibly at "tipat chalav", which is the women and baby health clinics for newborns. 

The learning is going to be very intensive for me. I'm so scared, honestly. I mean, I know I want this now more than anything, but it's So Scary. Can I learn as well as I did when I was in college and grad school? Can I memorize a zillion things? (maybe if I do like I did with concertos I had to memorize, I'll be able to manage it?) Can I do the physical side of it? I'm 55... everyone else in the class is young. I don't actually know that, as classes start on Monday-- as in three days from now! But I can be relatively sure that I'll be the oldest in the class by far.

The physical side of it. I think I don't totally know what I am getting into. I'm worried. I know it can be very challenging to be a nurse, on your feet for 8 hour shifts. I pray that I'll be able to sit sometimes. I need to sit sometimes. In order to get into this course, I needed a letter from my doctor that I am in proper physical shape to do this. She happily wrote it for me. But am I? I'm scared that I'll be in pain again, but I can only take it one day at a time. This is what I want, and I am following a dream, and Hashem is with me.

I am also worried about possibly (probably) needing to work side by side with the doctor who got me into the NF problem in the first place. I sued the hospital because of him, and he very well knows it. We have no relationship, and I want it to remain that way. I still feel antagonistic about him. I'll have to really work at being totally professional in any situation, no matter what or who is involved.

At my interview to get into the nursing school program, they presented me with some ethical problems that nurses face every day. They asked what would I do. But there was no situation like this, where I have to work with the doctor who almost killed me, and who was responsible for making my life so difficult for 13 years. Nope, that situation didn't come up. I kept my mouth shut, too, when they asked me if there is anything else I want them to know. I pray Hashem will lead me through these labrynths that lie ahead. I believe this will help bring more closure on the NF, even though I can say that I do have a certain amount of closure, just by being healthy and following my dreams.

Can you believe it?

Talk about full circle. Talk about changing my story. I am not the sick one anymore. I'm healthy and strong, and I am going to start nursing school in a few short days. With the help of G-d.