More meaning in life

 I'm OK. 

After my last blog post I got a lot of messages and calls from concerned friends and loved ones. I didn't mean to scare y'all, not to worry, I'm OK. Things are tough sometimes, but isn't it that way with everyone? C-PTSD makes things harder, for sure, but I'm doing relatively OK with that this week.

I still haven't heard from the doctor in NY. It is quite frustrating, I sent them both (the doctor and his secretary) emails reminding them that I exist and am here waiting for the doctor's evaluation of my MRI's. At the same time, I haven't called. I don't feel like calling. I might in a little more time, but as for now I don't feel like it's so urgent. I am not going to go anywhere for more surgery any time soon. I've had enough of surgery, and I am putting up with the pain. That is my decision. I just can't bring myself to do more surgery, so it almost doesn't matter what he says. I mean, I'd know more when he answers me, but I am not running to do another surgery (after the 14 that I have gone through). I am just at my wits end with going through surgeries. I know I need a hip replacement, but as of now that is not slowing down my life a whole lot, even though it hurts chronically. I can still get to shul every Shabbat, and that is a gauge for me of when I'll do the hip surgery. I can even sit on the floor (for a short period of time) with my granddaughter, so that is also a gauge. If it comes to a matter of stopping me from living the way I would like to live, then I'll do it. The hip replacement, that is.

As far as if anything is amiss with my belly surgeries, and maybe the pain is coming from there, less and less I think that. I am pretty sure all the pain I feel is coming from my hip problems. But that, of course, is what I am waiting on my NY doctor to evaluate for me, if there *is* anything amiss in my belly surgical areas.

In the meantime, my hand, where I broke my thumb, still hurts. I am very worried that this is going to become chronic pain, too. Next week I start occupational therapy for that. I hope it'll help me. It's been a long time, I think it should have healed by now.

I am finding myself needing more meaning in my life. I do the jewelry making which is good for me, and I love, but it doesn't hold anything really meaningful for me. I need to be a doula more. I have a couple who is due to give birth in January, and I'm happy about that. I don't want to put off doing my doula work until I get a hip replacement. If I was going to do it (hip replacement) soon, I'd put off doula work, but deciding to wait on that makes me want to get more into doula work. I am also not so confident, though, that I can do it with the pain I have. I'll see how it goes with this couple in January. I would take other work if it came my way, though. I can't really yet advertise because at the moment I don't have receipts to give, I haven't opened a file at the income tax office stating that I am an independent business, so I can't give out receipts yet. I think I am going to go with a third-party type of giving of receipts. I have to get on that project. I can't really work much until I have that squared away. But I am here stating that I want to work as a doula more. If I put it out to the universe, work will come my way. That's always been my experience. I just wish I trusted my body more. It's not only my hip, but my thumb (for massages) also. I wish my body didn't hurt like it does. Quandary.

Back at the home front, things are good. Thank the Good Lord. My kids are all in a good space, and my granddaughter just turned two. We went to Bet She'an for her birthday a few days ago, that was precious. But it is such a long trip, and by the end of the night, I am in intense pain after all that driving. It takes three hours to get there, we stayed for about three (or four?) hours, and three hours back. Grueling for anyone with pain to deal with. But worth it. They are such a special family.

I'm going to go now, I have a birth-preparation class to give tonight and I have a few things to prepare. 

Don't worry about me, things are ok. Kind of.