Sunday, September 7, 2008

closure begins

Well, I did write that letter. It was like the words were just pouring out of me, thankful to have a voice. It was a truly amazing experience, and I feel like a weight was lifted off me. I was up until 4AM last night writing and revising. I decided that I do want to send it to him, snail mail. I need him to see it. And it will be soon, in Elul (presently the Hebrew month, one before the new year, when one should review the past year and their shortcomings). I also decided, however, that I won't publish the whole text here; it is very personal and raw. In the wise words of someone close to me "Everything you say has to be true, but not everything true has to be said". I'll just copy the ending part here to give a feeling to my experience.
You may think this is quite a long letter, but it's not nearly as long as it has been living it. You get to finish reading it; I continue to live it.

I realize that there may never be a day that all this stuff is just background noise. The permanent difficulties and health problems that have resulted from this are always with me. I experience them every day, every hour, and often every minute. I am alive, and my faith is strong, and I will endure. But those three truths have had some pretty big challenges this year.

In order to try to free myself from the burdens of bitterness, I had to write this to you.

I know you are a good person, [name], but you messed up. I also know you know that, but I doubt you really understand the significance of your errors. For a year now I have wanted to tell you how the NF has affected me.

If this letter helps another patient of yours get a surgeon who is more careful, as opposed to an overconfident one, then I have done my job.

May Hashem lead you to help others humbly.


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