Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Hashem sends the cure before the illness

Went to the hospital today for some tests. Wound up sitting having ice coffee with the surgeon from the NF. If I hadn't written that letter a week ago (and never sent), I wouldn't have been prepared for this. Often Hashem sends the solution before the problem.

I had the letter set in my head, seeing as I worked on it for so long and read it so many times. He gave me the opportunity to talk. He opened the conversation by saying that it's been over a year now, and we've had interactions over this time, but we've never talked about "it". He said many things about how it has effected him personally and as a surgeon. He also said, in reference to the truth that this trauma squelched the hope of having another baby, that he feels responsible as if he himself had killed a child in Am Yisrael (the Jewish People). After thinking about that statement, I responded later by saying that that is a very big burden to carry; you don't have that much power. Only Hashem makes those decisions.

I told him many things from that letter. Almost all, actually. And he stayed sitting opposite me and listened to it all. Some of it came with occasional escaping tears rolling down my face, and some of it with anger, and some with friendship. It is such a mixed bag, because we had a friendship before this, and for me it's never been black & white. He said he'll be there if I want to speak again.

The point is that it came out. It was like the wound had to have yet another cleaning before it could truly close. I am free of it; of the bitterness, and feeling like the victim. I am free of it because I choose to be. Anger only destroys, it doesn't heal.

I actually feel bad for some of the stabs I sent his way. Face to face. It doesn't come naturally for me to do that. But I needed him to know. Why? What have I gained that I didn't have this morning, before this happened? I don't know, actually, but it may be under the broad category of "closure". Again, for the second time today, I have that tight throat feeling...

It's Elul, the month of reckoning, the month of introspection. Soon we'll stand before Hashem with our misguided actions and secret truths exposed. This year, mine is harboring anger. It is so destructive. I've turned it on myself many times, and a few times turned it cruelly toward another. I don't want space in my life for anger. Because, after all, we don't have that much power, do we. And life is short.
Hashem makes the decisions, not us.


  1. I'm really glad that you got the opportunity to discuss things with your surgeon and maybe move a little closer to finding some peace. I admire your strength of faith and your ability to find the positive message in everything that happens to you.

  2. I am really happy for you to have talked with the surgeon. Someone wise once said that anger destroys the vessel it comes in. Now you have conquered another step toward the new you Hashem has in mind for you.

  3. What a courageous woman you are. It is really hard to say the hard things to someone, especially a person of authority like a doctor. Inadvertantly, you probably helped him out too as it sounds like he has been thinking about this too; not just ignoring it and pushing it away. I really hope this helps you heal and really does bring closure. I wouldn't be surprised if the feelings come back up a few more times but get easier and easier to handle. That is the nature of forgiveness. It's not always a one time deal. God is always there to help you though.