consistency; a new concept

I am playing with the Sinfonietta for these next few weeks. I think I have to explore the options (and conditions) of possibly staying on with them part-time. The orchestra is somehow very regular for me (that is to say it's predictable), and I am seeking regularity with no surprises. Doula work has a lot of surprises.

Maybe it's because I turned 40 this year? Maybe because I am recovering from nf? Maybe because I realize my kids need me to be predictable, also? They had such a hard year with me not available. Shifra still suffers from "when are you coming back" syndrome.

Presently working on finding a new nanny...again. The one I thought we were hiring decided she couldn't take the job because of her own personal health issues. Our present nanny finishes her time with us this Thursday. I may have an option of splitting it between two people who I've come across in our search, but neither of them can do it full time, the hours we are asking.

I need help still. It isn't an option to cut this out. I don't do well with being alone evenings to take care of the kids. That is largely because of the effects of PTSD.

But the inconsistency of babysitters is hard on the kids, too. They need the consistency desperately.
We all do.