Monday, September 22, 2008

A little breakdown

As the saying goes.... three steps forward & two steps back. Or something like that.

A few nights ago, in fact, after I wrote the last post, I really just cracked. It was just too much too soon. Shabbat was hard with the noise level in the house being unbearable for me. Later that night (Sat night) it all came crumbling down on me. The expectations of getting right back into everything all at once; the trips to-and-from the kids' schools & many activities is making me insane. And, like I wrote in the post, I find myself again juggling my birthing work and the orchestra.

This morning I had a rehearsal with the orchestra. Yesterday I was called to a birth (I told you it'd be early), at 9am, and not returning home again until 4AM. Yup, 19 hours. Before that, Saturday night, I got to sleep, after what felt like the complete break down, at around 4am. Before that I considered checking myself into a mental institution. I felt that crazy. Glad I didn't do that, but it made certain decisions *crystal* clear:

1. Get help somehow with all the driving responsibilities. It is too much, and I tend to loose focus & get spacey while driving if I don't get a break. Not a good thing to do.
2. Not sign any contract with the Orchestra. NO WAY. I will take what I want, when I want, or nothing at all. I'm leaning toward nothing at all.
3. not take doula work for a while. I need regularity above all. I'll take couples who would like my birth preparation course, and post- natal help (breastfeeding counseling).

That last one will be hard for me; it is so hard not to take doula work. I believe that every woman who wishes to have doula support should have it, and it makes a tremendous difference. There aren't others in my area, so I can't recommend other names to go to instead of myself. It is a hard one. I have a call for a birth in October, and I haven't said 'no' yet.

I need to take care of myself better. I need quiet, and I need to sleep. Maybe *I* need a doula!

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