Sunday, September 28, 2008

Who actually drives the car?

Last year at this time I would often say "it's been 4 months already, how long am I going to be this way?" Meaning, not functioning at my capacity. I didn't have patience for the process at that time. But now, it's *16* months after, and I am still not functioning as I want to be. It is so frustrating. It feels like I'm going to be like this forever.

"Like this" is defined as:
~still dealing with PTSD, even with medication
~being less than what I want for my children & husband
~not being able to work without emotionally breaking
~Not sleeping well
~having some doctor's appointment at least once a week

You get the picture. Same picture I have been writing about for over a year now. I am very frustrated, and down.

Tomorrow is Rosh Hashana, and I want to be able to accept that I live in Gd's kingdom, and that I don't make the decisions about how things are really going to be. I have the car keys, the gear shift, and the gas pedal, but Gd has the steering wheel. I want to be able to let Him drive. It'll take as long as it takes.

It's hard.

May we all have a Shana Tova, G'mar chatima tova, and a blessing of true health and inner peace.
We often bless others with what we want, don't we.

1 comment :

  1. Sarah,
    The car is an apt description re: our relationship with Hashem. How difficult it is to give up control, to do an action with the right intention, to open our hearts to reality.
    I haven't spoken with you in a few days, but you are always near me. I too wish you a new year filled with inner peace, laughter, good health, and acceptance. May your strengths and characteristics shine through and guide you to new ground.
    Love, Miriam