Monday, October 20, 2008

update from home

Home again for a few days, for the Chag (Simchat Torah). It's so great to be with my kids, and it's also great to see my Emma & her puppies! We have 4 left, and each one we give away is heart-wrenching for all of us (even Robert!). I spent a fair bit of time in the back garden last night with all of them, and Emma's head in my lap so happy & content. When she sees me her tail wags so hard, like in circles, it looks like she's about to take off. Sweet.

I have a strong headache now already for two days, from a medicine change. It's not the last change that will happen before I leave the hospital, but it's done gradually. Unfortunately I get headaches every time.

I also feel depressed at the moment. It's a long time to be away from my kids (2 weeks so far, and probably close to one more before I am home). I feel like I am an absentee mother. They are perfectly healthy kids (B"H), they are well adjusted, happy, and understand that I'm not deathly ill, but *I* feel bad. They are doing fine. My biggest fear is that they will grow up to tell people close to them that their mother was in & out of hospitals when they were young, so she wasn't available much. It hurts.

I am getting myself the help I need to be the mother that is best for them (and myself, of course), and I know that, but knowledge doesn't usually take feelings away. Even while I've been here (came yesterday- Sunday- evening) I've had to rest a lot because of this headache and some depression. I did have nice quality time with them, though, if not quantity. I'm not sure about being at all the festivities (called "Hakafot", dancing around celebrating the Torah) and how I'll handle that, but I now I can go home whenever I need to. It just means leaving the kids aiwth Robert... again.

Robert hasn't had any time for himself. He is tired and run-down. I want to give him what he needs (rest & alone time), but I can't. If I am home, I need him around. That also makes me sad that for quite a while now I haven't been able to give him what he needs.

I will start the treatments called "TMS" ("Trans-cranial Magnetic Stimulation") when I get back on Wed. (Oct 22nd). It'll be three treatments as an in-patient, once a day. Then, if all is OK, I'll be released to continue the treatments on an out-patient basis. They say they have had a lot of success with this treatment for PTSD symptoms. I have suffered many symptoms for a long time; sleep disturbances, noise sensitivity, depression. Please Gd it'll help. That together with the medication.

The holidays have been a rough patch here, and they are almost over. Tomorrow is the end of a month-long holiday season. I'll be happy to get back to routine, and so will Robert.

Going back to the "healthy soul center" (AKA psychiatric hospital) on Wednesday. I'll update more when I can.

Signing off fom Be'er Sheva,
Sarah Rachel bat Tova

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