Tuesday, October 14, 2008

thoughts on life these days

It seems so unclear to me...

Why is this all happening?
I'm in a psychiatric hospital?
How did it get to this?
I am going back tomorrow (Wed.)?

Since the moment I got home yesterday... well, not the *moment*.... first I spent a half hour or so with Emma and the gorgeous puppies, together with my gorgeous children. :-)

Then, after that calm and happy time, I spent the rest of the day before the chag crazy with straightening up, cleaning, doing laundry, making lunches for the kids, straightening up more and cleaning more. I cleaned the floors after Robert & the kids went to shul. I couldn't stop. I literally *couldn't stop*. I needed order and cleanliness so I could breathe. I have to learn how to stop... I absolutely could not. If I had 3 or 4 things in my hand and my friend who was here at the time (Sabrina) told me to just put them down and rest, I physically could not. I had to sort stuff out to it's places all over the house. She had to leave, I was making *her* crazy.

A friend called offering his help to Robert with putting up the succahs (yes, we have 2; one for eating in, one for sleeping), but R said he didn't need it. I would have appreciated if he had accepted, but it wasn't up to me. He took lots of flu medicine so he could do it, and he did. The children put up all the decorations. We had a babysitter during the day yesterday, and our lovely young nanny dropped in to work, not realizing that it was a chag. It was a nice opportunity to invite her join us for the meal (which was very simple; bread, salads & veg. soup... no big production).
The daytime meal was once again hosted by our dear friends in their lovely succah, also joined by other dear friends. Again another warm, intimate chag.

Also I had great time with my children; all of them. Lots of love & hugs and support. Baruch Hashem.

As soon as the chag was over (and after Azriel, Shifra & I had long naps) I felt the anxiety & depression roll in again.

I want to pretend this isn't happening, that I'm not the one spending time in a psychiatric hospital. In Hebrew, the sign on the outside of the hospital is translated as "the center for health of the soul". It is better than "psychiatric", right?

I don't want to have this stuff happening.
It's like since the NF, Gd has decided to have me remake myself. The other one wasn't the best 'model Sarah' He intended.

I gotta get ahold of those blueprints.


  1. I saw this on a sign today: (a car wash, if you can believe it :-) "Life's difficulties are opportunities in disguise." I said to myself, "That's nice but I really don't need any more opportunities these days." I guess it's not up to us whether or not we're presented with 'opportunites' but it *is* up to us how we handle them. I hope you find what you need to handle your current opportunities.

  2. Dear sweet Sarah -
    I couldn't believe I was actually chuckling while reading your blog. You can't help being funny, even in a 'soul health hospital'. (It does sound much better than a psych ward.)
    One of my heroes, Byron Katie, was once hospitalized in a psych ward. That is where she started her whole rediscovery process from depression. Later she was able to help a lot of people with her insights. If you ever feel like it, she has a beautiful website: http://www.thework.com/index.asp
    Anyway, I love your thought about getting hold of your blueprint. What a beautiful image. In reflexology, we look at the feet that way a little bit. The left foot is the foot of the emotions, the femine foot, the foot of the mother, but also the blueprint - the plan G-d gave us for our lives. The right foot, the foot of the father, the rational foot, the 'thinking' versus 'feeling' foot, is the mask we make for ourselves in order to cope with how we perceive life. Now we all need two feet to walk on :-) - and I am confident that when we were designed up there, there was a reason for this mask we all don. BUT, it is nice to know yourself and realize what is beneath the mask. And have the freedom to know when you use this mask, and when you don't need to.
    It's the freedom in the end, I think, which is the true, real 'health for the soul'. So you will be able to come home and not feel a prisoner to your need to clean and organize. ( Even though, I have to admit, and being married to a Klein (sorry Stevie, love you anyway) - I probably would have felt the same way! I mean, you do need to be human after all ;-) - and we need order and cleanliness to obtain that).
    You know, it just dawned on me, that for that situation, a need for order and simpleness and just a plain clean environment, a Sukkah is the PERFECT place. There you go!
    Well my sweet sister in law - keep writing, so we can peek through this window in your soul. Now this experience may seem endless, but there will be a day where you will be able to tell this entire story, beginning till end, in less then an hour.
    It will have gotten a place in your life - the NF on the bookshelf so to say. You will be able to take it out, dust it off, take a look at some of the pages and put it *away* till next time. You will feel free to do that. And it will feel good.

    I love you!

  3. Sarah, I just read your entries and I wanted to thank you for sharing so much of what is going on in your life with us. Dovie and Hillel were playing LEGOs in the living room today, laughing, being silly, calling each other crazy in their non-stop joking. I almost stepped in to suggest they use another word to name their giggly behavior. Then Dovie said he felt drunk on laughter. And I thought, we should all be crazy like that, laughing loudly with friends, secure in knowing that our quirks, our soft underbelly, the side we don't often show people, are appreciated.
    Sarah, you are in my thoughts and prayers and I look forward to giving you big hugs on Simchat Torah. I love you!