Tuesday, November 18, 2008

the ongoing chase...

The challenge of all of these issues just makes me want to hibernate my room and not take care of anything.

Last night I was convinced (again) that I had a crazy infection going on with my thigh, and I couldn't sleep. Along with the regular pain I have, I noticed a small, very light, reddish spot my thigh. Showed it to Robert. Marked the boundaries with a pen. Took two sleeping pills because one wasn't calming me down enough to sleep.

This morning I woke up very flu-y feeling, but the light red circle had no change. I just wanted to go back to sleep, I felt so sick. I called my doctor and told him the deal, and I told him that the diagnostic tests (ultrasound & x-ray) weren't scheduled until December. He wasn't so helpful, and wasn't concerned, and told me to go to the clinic in Ashkelon (an *hour* drive away) to get these tests. Yeah, right, I'll get right on that.

Robert made a bunch of calls to different diagnostic testing areas in Be'er Sheva that take my insurance carrier, and found places to do both the x-ray & the ultrasound this morning. Two different places, but at least today. Yeah, Robert.

I had the tests done, no results read yet because I have to get back to my family doctor for that. I was supposed to go for a blood count today, but was too sick feeling & tired to get out of bed again. I'll try to get there tomorrow.

I can't take care of everything at once; leg pain & diagnosing that, hearing/ noise sensitivity specialist, therapist & TMS treatment which I haven't heard anything about. The most present problem that day gets the attention, then nothing gets followed up with consistency.

Right now I need to focus on figuring out what is wrong with my leg. It is too much pain to just ignore. Dorit thinks that ultrasound treatments to the area in a physical therapy setting is probably the answer. Could be. We just have to rule out infection first. Problem is, I, myself, am just not convinced that it's not infection there. When I had NF, I had *no fever*, no elevated white blood cell count, a negative ultrasound, and a clear x-ray (I couldn't even stand up for the x-ray that day, but it didn't show any problem). It's hard to convince me after that that nothing serious is going on when I have pain. But I have to accept it at some point and get out of the mindset that I may have a deadly infection brewing. It feels like something is Really Wrong in that thigh, but how can I have any strength physically or mentally to fight for a clear diagnosis. I know that the tests will all be negative. Unfortunately, that doesn't convince me.

I don't have much fight left in me. I should probably go back to Tel Aviv to the infectious disease doctor in Ichilov who I saw last year (from Rav Firer). I just don't feel like I can keep chasing.


  1. Sarah, I am just so sorry. There's nothing I can do or say that makes a difference, but I do want you to know that you have someone thinking of you and praying for you way over here in Pennsylvania. Take breaks from the constant battle when you have to, but never give up the fight. You will conquer this, one symptom and one issue at a time, but don't beat yourself up when you have to take a break. Lots of hugs, -Kathy

  2. Sarah,
    I let a few days go by and had not seen your latest updates. I am truly sorry to hear that the physical pain in your leg is now impeding your emotional recovery. We had such a great time together last week, and you seemed so "up." It just didn't occur to me that things would change so quickly.

    At the Drawers class on Sunday, Michal was trying to teach us that when we loose our equilibriam, our roga nafshit, we have strayed from the path, the path being what leads us closer to Hashem. We use our thoughts to try and change reality. We give into scripts in our head of what will be. Instead, we should be using our energy for accepting the reality and making the most of it. That's easier to do when your arms are full of groceries and you notice that the guy builing your new roof has dragged a sand bag across your house leaving a trail of sand than it is with the constant array of pains you are experiencing.

    I just want you to know that I am thinking of you. And when you read this, know that I love you and want to be there for you. Please forgive my lapse in understanding that healing is a difficult and long process.

    Love, Miriam