Sunday, November 9, 2008

Step One: learning to accomplish a simple day

Lots of positive today, thank Gd.
  • Got up in the morning to see the kids off to school.
  • Went for a good walk in the sweet-smelling morning air.
  • Came home & got a few important errands done (now Dov has pants that fit him).
  • Made & ate a healthy lunch, then rested for an hour before the children came home from school.
  • I was available when they came home because I got to rest and re-fuel beforehand.
  • Then the craziness started... picking up the little ones from gan, helping the boys work out a fight, getting caught up with homework & upcoming tests, planning dinner, Ya'akov to the chess club, picking up the shortened pants for Dov, getting Ya'akov, etc.
Point is... it's 8PM, I'm exhausted, but I did it. First time in a long time I did it. I will go rest soon, after helping Azriel & Shifra get to bed. I feel good that I had the kind of day that makes me feel capable again. And no, this doesn't mean I am going to start marathon training tomorrow, I promise. I gotta get this planned-day thing down and consistent, for many months.

I spoke with a friend today who I hadn't spoken to in a long time. It was great to catch up, but she had surprising news that she had a hospitalization recently. Thank Gd she healed with no complications. She told me that she finally understood where depression can come from in that situation. It is just not knowing if your body will ever heal, will ever be pain free again, and if your life will ever be restored. It is the feeling of being a prisoner to this thing that took over and changed you.

That's part of it for me. It is a bit more complex with me because I am still living with pain on a daily basis, even today, embedded in my good day. Gapey has been quite unhappy lately with itching and soreness, and inflexibility. The scars are still "maturing" and changing. Lymph pain is every day. My reality.

I am able to have a good day. But, I want it all.

Tomorrow I have an appointment to see the psychiatrist (drug follow-up, 1/2 hour every 2 weeks). I hope she will have news of moving forward to get me the support I need (a therapist I can see regularly). I am upset as to how the system has dropped the ball with me. Three week psychiatric hospitalization, and no support upon leaving. It's the public health here; they have to take care of the people who are "a threat to themselves or others". I fall in the cracks, not a threat, but not stable enough to be unsupported.

Tomorrow is another day. I want to see my children in the morning, go for my walk, then go to the doctor appointment. Sounds simple, perhaps, but those of you have been reading consistently (thanks!) know that nothing is as simple as it looks. I hope some day it will be.

1 comment :

  1. I'm glad to hear you had a good day. Life sounds so painful for your sometimes. It will get better. It may take time but it will. You are awesomely strong. You just can't always see it. I hope your appt goes well and that you can impress on your doctor how important it is for you to get help and NOW.