Sunday, February 8, 2009

High An---xiety! (hat tip to Mel Brooks)

The MRI results were supposed to be in on Thursday, at the latest, as promised. No Thursday, no Friday. I thought *for sure* this morning, Sunday. I called, and they are still not ready. Then the secretary sees how overdue it is, and wonders about it herself. She then told me to check back in with her after and hour.

I am riddled with anxiety, and because of that, the pain has been worse these past few weeks. I even took Percocet (1/2 pill) again to get to sleep on Friday night; the sleeping pill & Advil wasn't enough to overcome the pain. In birthing, if a woman gets very anxious and scared, her contractions hurt more. She learns to fall floppy into the contraction, like riding a wave at the ocean, and move with it, and it actually, physiologically, hurts less. I can help a woman do that, in fact, I am pretty good at it, but I am having such a hard time making my pain less by relaxing with it's waves. It seems like it is getting worse, but I know a lot about pain, and I know that fear feeds into that, too.

I fear a bad infectious abscess based on what I what I feel in my leg. The mild fevers I used to get a few months ago may have been indiators of that, and then it formed a baloon around the infection. Dorit, my lymphatic PT woman, has been saying for many weeks now that the lymph nodes that are around the trauma area are very full, unusually full. I feel it too (hard, rubbery swelling), and also my underarm lymph glands have been hurting.

This has been going on since the cellulitis infection ("shapey"; check lexicon at right :-)), almost a year ago. I left the hospital after two weeks there with still the swelling and reddness in the area, if anyone remembers that. It never really changed, and it is shapey that has been causing all the pain since then. A whole year, two bone scans, x-rays and untrasounds turned up nothing.


I am going to take myself and my silly little mutt for a walk. Get myself out and hang in the park and watch her frolic. That often helps sooth my anxieties.

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