Thursday, May 21, 2009

The day after the biopsy

Wow- for such a small procedure, I have much more anxiety than I thought I would. I am really stressed out about this post-biopsy thing. I mean, I *know* I am not getting NF again... at least my rational part knows that. But my irrational PTSD part is going a little nuts. I didn't expect this.

Dr. Flusser, who did the biopsy yesterday, said it'd hurt a bit (he used the word "discomfort, actually), and I could take Acamol (like Tylenol) to soothe the soreness if necessary.
[again, this writing is going to be hard to read... I know that. I have to write... I have to. The fears have to come out as they are- very real fears, and very real flashbacks. I just have to write it. That is what helps me. I know it's hard to read. It's harder to live it.]

Well, it hurts, all down my thigh and in the incision itself. One thing I remember from the night I was shivering with fever and fainting from pain after the hernia surgery is that the pain actually felt like knives in my incision, and around my thigh. I remember lying in the ER crazy with pain and I kept telling Robert "knives, knives" pointing to my thigh. That scene is one of the last things I remember until I woke from the coma 10 days later.

Today, one day after the biopsy, I have that knife feeling, but on a *much smaller scale* than when I had NF. I now understand that that feeling is probably just a post- surgery feeling. Kind of sharp in the incision, and sore all around and inside. It is freaking me out though- I am now hyper-sensitive to every "zing" of pain- I am really feeling so paranoid, and I haven't been able to talk about it. It is scary to give it a voice. So, writing is less scary, so here we are.

I am profoundly exhausted, and am trying to rest now. I have been pretty active all day, despite the knowledge that I need to rest. I had an appointment with Bituach Leumi (national health insurance) this morning at 10:30 to discuss the disability compensation for this year (more on that in another post). After that, I did a few errands, then came home. All that time I hadn't eaten. I got home at around 12, and didn't actually eat until 1:30. I was falling off my feet, but forced myself to eat. (the pain meds take away my appetite with mild nausea. Icky.) After I ate, I pushed myself again to finish the clothing project I had started in the boys' room- it was strewn all over with summer clothes and winter clothes that needed sorting. Winter clothes needed to be bagged and put away, summer clothes needed to be checked, one-by-one, for each kid, to put together a wardrobe for the summer and fall. I *hate* this project twice a year- I really can't stand doing it, and I procrastinate until they are freezing with short sleeves in the early winter, and sweating buckets with winter clothes on in early summer. So, after many loads of laundry and putting things away, it's done. Then I had the challot and pizza dough to make. I tried doing that while doing other things, and I left the starter dough for over an hour before I returned to realize I forgot to add the yeast. So much for multi-tasking. The pizza dough is rising now, and Zimrah will roll it out and make the pizza. The challot are frozen, to rise and get baked tomorrow. I finally came upstairs to rest. It's only now that I am feeling the pain. Maybe that's why I didn't rest all day- scared to be alone with my fears and "zings" of pain.

Of course, true rest would be putting down the computer, also. But I need to get this out- I am so scared that I'll get another infection. Maybe not NF, but there are many choices out there! I am scared. This is a good tester for how I'm going to handle the reconstruction surgeries. I'd like to say I am reconsidering weather I'll do it or not, but today isn't the day to decide. I have to wait and see what happens. I still believe that the reconstruction can improve my quality of life significantly. Just being able to get dressed without a pressure garment and prosthetic pillow, and just seeing myself with a whole belly, and not a crater with mess of skin graft and red scarring, would make a big improvement. BUT, there are the risks. The risks. How do I handle the risks? If one biopsy sets me spinning with fear, how will I get through two major surgeries?

The post-trauma is so palpable. It all comes back so quickly, with just one small surgical procedure. Wow.

(and a post- script... today, Yom Yerushalayim (Jerusalem day), is the day I had my skin graft surgery two years ago. It was a 5 hour surgery.)

3 comments :

  1. I think everything you are going through has got to be so normal. I'm glad to hear that you made it through the procedure. Now to get through the aftermath.

    I also believe that as you go through these smaller things with no mishaps that it will give you confidence for bigger things.

    Prayers are going up for your continued healing and for good news from the biopsy.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You are going to get through the next two surgeries the same way you handle every day...one minute at a time. Also with lots of writing the fears, talking the fears and getting strength from the people around you who love you. So says the one that took about 20 years to say outloud to someone that she was depressed!!
    luv ya

    ReplyDelete
  3. I read everything you wrote. I hear you and I think I understand. There are no real words to give back to you to show that understanding, but you know the intention is there, right? I love you, Rivka

    ReplyDelete