Saturday, May 23, 2009

On survivors and surviving

I just read a new blog today written by a woman who just barely survived a plane crash. She writes very beautifully and honestly. I can relate to so much of it. Reading her stuff brings me back to my early days of my recovery after my surgeries. The skin grafts, the praying, the children, the dispair, the pain, the insomnia. All of it, and so much between the lines. I think that only trauma survivors can see that stuff between the lines.. feel that stuff. Words can't desribe it when you've been there. Been to that place... waking up to a new reality, feeling the respirator intubation tube, hearing the beeps and seeing those first indicators that Something Bad Happened. Then having people piece together for you the story of what actually happened.

You can see her blog here.

I am still in it, and that is just a fact. I am not trying to rid myself of it, that would be an impossible goal. I am attached to my survivor story, and it is attached to me. It's just that it feels unnatural to talk about it a lot. I can't, and there are many reasons for that. Even when people talk to me about my blog in real life, it is hard for me to go to that space in my soul where I "talk" about this all. But I want to talk, but it is stuck, it can't come out my mouth any more. But with another trauma survivor it is relieved. My friend who has cancer (here is her blog), I feel a connection with her that we can talk about "that stuff". And we did when we were together for a Shabbat a month or so ago. There was that relief feeling that trauma is a regular thing in our lives, not a museum piece to study because it is unusual. And I felt that again with this woman's blog, and I don't even know her. But we are connected in a way.

Medical update: The biopsy site is doing OK, despite my many, many examinations and wonderings about weather or not it's getting a deadly infection. It is a 2cm incision, oval shaped, not stitched closed, and doing fine. Today I saw thick red lines near it, and got scared that it is getting infected. I took off my pressure wrapping and waited a bit, and the lines went away. 15 minutes of wondering if we are going to the ER tonight.

Now I find myself focussed more on what the results will bring. I had a dream that the doctor said that word "inconclusive" about the biopsy, and had no suggestions or treatment. That word wreaks havok in me because it was used to describe the findings of the pathology lab from the lipoma... inconclusive. I have a few conclusions, dude.

Going to tel Aviv on Tuesday to discuss the results. The results will shape my next decision about my recovery. My prayer is that the results will show a clear source and treatment for the chronic pain. But I have a feeling it'll be... inconclusive.

1 comment :

  1. Funny, I was just thinking about the whole "survivor" thing, and you just posted about it.

    Sometimes I think of myself as a survivor. Sometimes I feel I am still too "in it" to think of myself that way.

    I fluxuate back and forth.

    I do appreciate that I can really talk with you about this stuff. I know that you really "get it." (though it totally sucks that we have to share this kind of experience...)