Loud fears that come in the quiet of night

I remember when I was in the hospital with NF, the night wake-ups were the worst. I'd wake up alone, scared. My mind raced on the gerbil wheel and I just wanted to be held. Eventually I'd call a nurse to medicate me back to sleep. I'd put on my disk-man and try to clear my head, listen to music, and try to let the medicine put me back to sleep. Sometimes it worked, but mostly I stayed awake a lot those nights.

It still happens, almost every night. Here I am awake already for over an hour, my girbil wheel brain fighting the meds. I got up to make myself a cup of passiflora tea, and came turning to my virtual friends here, so I don't have that alone feeling. I don't want to wake Robert, he gets the children out every morning, he needs his rest. Emma is in my lap at the moment. Love her. :-)

I checked on the kids, and I see Shifra has slipped herself into bed with Azriel, and they are simbiotically entwined in quiet, protected sleep, holding eachother. Maybe I should climb in there, too. :-)

Ear hurts, a worrisome crappy thing I have to deal with. ID doctor said it's OK to go ahead with biopsy as long as I am on the antibiotics. I have to still call the orthpedic oncologost, Bikles/Meller team to clear it with them, tomorrow (later today, actually), and hope they agree to go ahead with the biopsy Wednesday.
I have fear about the biopsy, even though I know people have told me it is an easy procedure, in the scope of things. It is going to be done under CT simultaneously, with local anesthesia, but that has to go pretty deep. A big long needle will go into my hip joint to take a sample of the fluid that is filling the tumor thing. Then, of course, there will be soreness, to some degree, but I am scared of to what degree? Nobody I spoke to (on line) ever had it go into their hip. Here I am on the gerbil wheel. I'm scared.

The sun is just starting to peek out over the Be'er Sheva horizon- it is even a bit pretty from my vantage point on my upper deck ("mirpesset"). The birds talking to eachother, the quiet, with no cars or people sounds at all. I am going back to bed, hopefully to sleep some more. I need it, I didn't sleep enough- this ear infection needs sleep time, and so does my way too busy and stressed out brain.

This would sure be a good time for my new mattress to arrive, wouldn't it.