It's weird having this new thing of being granted 100% disability, permanently.
It's like being in an empty field, between: absorbing that there are no longer expectations on me to work any more, and, wondering if I will ever work again. I want to play in orchestras, but will I ever be able to sit for that long without pain so I can concentrate? Travel to play a concert and be fit enough [will I ever be out of pain?] after two hours of travel to be able to play a challenging concert? And, my birthing work, well, ...I am really good at it. I have so much to give to women to help healthy birthing, and healthy mommys. I turn away clients still, fairly frequently. They keep calling. Last couple I took was last month, and it was hard for me to get through. The pain (mine, not the pregnant lady's), and the doctor's appointments, and my head space, I just wasn't there like I used to be. I was relieved when their birth ended the way they chose, and I could let go of them with good conscience that they are doing well.
And I am relieved not to work now. My head (and body) just aren't in it.
Permanent disability. What does that mean for me? I know many of these blog pages say that that is my biggest fear; permanent disability. All My Days dealing with pain on some level, and searching out ways to relieve it, however temporary. Now the State of Israel tells me I have permanent disability.
How did it get to this!? I am Sarah Kashin, and also Sarah Klein. My life was never about disability, it was about *ability*. OK, maybe Gd wants me to see that I am not omnipotent, that I can't do it all, that I need to seek His partnership.
But to replace ability with disability, even if I myself don't see it really that way; is it a blessing or a curse?
Gd willing, it won't be permanent. In the meantime, it's good to have the security that your benefits won't be taken away or reduced against your will, so I vote that this is a blessing!
ReplyDeleteLarry
I second Larry's motion. In this country it can often be so hard to get what you are entitled to. Aim to eventually reduce your dependence at your own pace, but this way it will be on your own terms, not on the bureaucracy's terms.
ReplyDeleteYou'll learn to flow in new channels, new directions. For example, your ability to write well beckons. Your strength and intelligence and sense of humor are assets that stand at the ready.
ReplyDeleteIt is, after all, your body that is disabled, not your creative and active mind!! Your intelligence will draw the rest up and above the fact that your body will no longer permit you to move the way you are accustomed to moving. You will move the direction that your mind takes you. There are no limits to where your mind can go! None at all...just think of that...no limits!!
ReplyDeleteEvery situation has advantages and disadvantages. They are both part of the package.
ReplyDeleteTry to stay focussed on taking care of what you need now, at this time.
The future will come soon enough and you can always re-evaluate.