Am I allowed to put voice to my fears about surgery? I mean, truthfully, I have been in a good mood, and as long as I keep up with the Percocet, the pain is limited. Today, for example, I was blessed with great energy. (I made *7* things for Shabbat: two whole wheat challot, a butternut squash kugel (like a casserole), roasted fennel with lemon, a red-lentil stew, a fava bean and tomato side dish, a plum pie, and brownies.) I am indeed quite proud of myself! It's the most I have cooked for Shabbat in *a g e s*.
But back to my original thought; I am afraid to give voice to my fears. It's like, if they exist outside of my brain, then they take on more of a life of their own, or something. But you know what? I will do it, here, in writing, which is different than actually speaking them. So I know that you all know, and we can go on and not talk about it. OK?
With the upcoming surgery (arthroscopic synovectomy of left hip joint) I am afraid of these things (not necessarly in this order all the time):
* when they go in there and see my hip joint in reality instead of from an MRI (which is at this point 3 months old), they will discover more damage than was originally thought, and the surgery will be complicated and more dangerous.
* I am afraid of dying on the table
* I am afraid of another horrific infection after the surgery is over
* I am afraid of post- op pain. (I know this one is a bit ironic; I have so much pain now anyway, but there it is. It's like the pain you know as opposed to the pain you don't yet know)
* I am afraid of surprises; waking up from surgery and hearing the account of how things were different than how they had been planned out to be.
There are other things which I won't talk about because they sound too final. I don't want anyone to bring this stuff up in conversation with me, just leave it in written form, please. I know this seems dramatic maybe, but crazy things happen. Crazy things have happened to me.
I want Robert to know that he is a treasure. He is the perfect man for me, and I have never felt as close to him as I do now. Except for tomorrow. He helps me be whole. He is a gift to me straight from Gd. I want you to follow your heart, it won't steer you wrong.
Dov: You have a pure soul. I knew it from the minute I looked into your eyes, which were wide open when you were born. Respect that pure soul, it is from Gd. As you grow, don't forget to keep the boy in the man, that is your goodness.
Ya'akov: You have a sparkle in your eyes when you smile. That is the sparkle of love, and of curiosity. Keep loving, and keep being curious, that is the seed of Gd in you.
Shifra: My sunshine, my little girl. Gd created you, perfect in His eyes. As long as you always know who you are, you will be free. While you hold your head high, remember to be humble. Be a partner with Gd, that is where strength comes from.
Azriel: [lump in my throat] How do I begin? Your soul is magic. Your smile is pure. Your goodness can change the world. It has changed me; I am the luckiest woman in the world to have you with me. I love you so much, my baby.
May these writings never need to be shared.
I wish I could jump in my car rt now and come give you a hug! But hopefully you're asleep now anyway... Talk to you soon... Love, me
ReplyDeleteYou are allowed to do and say anything that will help you survive what most of us could not survive!
ReplyDeleteJust go knowing you are loved and prayed for all the time!!
I am trying to put to words how profoundly moved I was reading your blog. My heart aches for your having to endure this round of surgery. And I am in awe of how beautifully you expressed your love for all your family. Our prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteLove, Miriam
Sarah, I had responded to this when it first went up but since it didn't post, I'm thinking that I forgot to type in the word verification. Anyway, if it helps at all, know that I am doing my best to try to help you shoulder this burden through good thoughts and prayers and anything else I can do from here. You express yourself so well, yet there is no way for me to know what you are going through. Your courage to think the unthinkable amazes me, yet it assures me that you are ready to face this. I focus my thoughts on the surgeon removing this mass and leaving you nothing but healthy, healing tissue. I see you going back to a painfree life with the awe of someone who used to know constant pain but who knows only the normal aches of aging. You're not alone in your fear or your hope.
ReplyDeleteLots of hugs and prayers,
-Kathy
{ { { H U G } } }.
ReplyDeleteSarah, I have tears in my eyes after reading of your fears and of your love for your family. You are so eloquent and so brave. Thank you so much for sharing these deep and private thoughts of yours. I can't wait to get that email that says the surgery is all over and you are doing well.
Sarah, this is your cousin Lois, I always read your blog and I am so moved I had to write, we are all praying for you, I know you will be better, I hope your pain subsides somewhat and you can be happy and healthy again soon. I hope the surgery was successful and the recovery quick.
ReplyDeleteLots of best wishes always,
Love, Lois