The facts

It is so interesting to see Robert's updates. He is the eternal optimist. I love that about him. I need that to balance my tendency for the negative.

But, in my voice, can I just say a few things that I need to put on the table here?

No poetics, just the facts:

Robert's father is very sick. He has been in intensive care since the middle of my hospital stay. He has gotten better, and worse, and better again, and today took a turn for the worse. His lungs aren't functioning well, he is sedated and intubated. And we are all so scared. So scared. Robert may go there. Also... scary.

The other thing is this: the doctor who did my intake in Ichilov last Sunday, whom we trust very highly, said three things about what is causing my pain: one is the PVNS, of course, another is the bursitis that Robert reported about, and the third is that he highly recommended that my graft get fixed. Apparently it was done very superficially, and he is quite sure that my nerve pains could be alleviated with reconstruction. That is why I always need the pressure garment and the pillow- without it, clothing brushes against it all the time, and it triggers constant discomfort. This doctor (we'll call him "D") said that the nerves and the exposed femoral artery need a muscle layer over it to cover it all, and then close it with the skin stretching procedure I explained before with reconstruction. He said my quality of life would be greatly improved, and this would prevent permanent nerve damage, and danger to that femoral artery pulsing away there for everyone to see. His suggested plan would be after this surgery I get the PT for the bursitis, and the reconstruction of the graft.

I am 41 years old. There is a lot of life, Gd willing, to have quality.
But is more surgery quality? At the moment, there are stitches in my graft from where the doctors made a port of entry for the arthroscopic surgery last week. It (surgery) is so violent feeling; anesthesia, knives... maybe I'll just wear the pressure garment for another... 50 years? (maybe Robert's optimism has rubbed off on me after all.) I don't have to make a decision on this until I am ready to make a decision.

People die from surgeries. My quality of life is my family, my work. I feel like taking my marbles and going home.

For now I am going to bed. That is a good decision.