While I wait to get better, time marches on.

I am really trying to have patience for my recovery, but I feel guilty for making my family have to, as well.

I have small kids here, and there is now a big vacation from school for the holiday of Succot. They are off all week. I want like anything to do fun things with them, and we could have even thought of the possibly of spending overnight somewhere... but I am functioning at such a low level right now. It just makes me so sad. I know I have to some how turn it around and make it alright for everyone, but I don't have the energy. How are we going to deal with this week? I can only take one day at a time, and even that is sometimes overwhelming. Neither Robert nor I have been able to do anything that resembles "planning"... we are just trying to get by every day. (and yes, my father-in-law is still quite ill in the hospital. We are looking at a long-term rehabilitation nursing care of some sort. Robert's brain and emotions are all tied into a big ball of yarn with all that is on his/our plates).

There are many activities in the city here for this special week that I have been hearing a bit about, and we wouldn't have to travel. We will try to learn about what there is to do. But my standing power today was about 3 hours. I slept until 12 noon, then Azriel had a fever, so I took him into bed with me, and we slept again until 2. Poor Wazi has an ear infection. He isn't such a happy camper. We may take him to the doctor tomorrow, but we'll try first ourselves to stave it off.

So I got up at 2, and decided to get dressed, not stay in my robe all day. That was good. Then I ate in our beautiful succah, and that
was good, too. Then I helped clean up a bit, and played a board game in the succah with Ya'akov. That was good, too. By the time Robert came back from the evening prayers (with the other children in tow), I was dizzy and weak. That was it, done for the day at 6:45 pm.

We'll get through this, I know we will. It's just that I want to be a normal mommy. I want to have the strength and stamina to have fun vacation days with my family. These are the years, they pass by too quickly. I want to really live them. I feel like I am only able to watch them pass by. I know I'll get better.... well, maybe I don't 100% believe that.

I'm thinking of seeing a homeopathic practitioner. This particular one that Dorit has recommended to me [for over a year now] is also a medical doctor. Maybe it's time to call. The idea doesn't really speak to me, but I may do it anyway.

Sometimes I wonder if I should start thinking like as if I had a terminal illness. Why would I say that? Because it seems like they know how to live each day like it is their last. My girlfriend with cancer (here is her blog) has a great week planned with her family. She is on chemo, and is still recovering from a hefty round of radiation to her brain. She is profoundly tired all the time, but yet always writes about doing nice things with her kids. I, on the other hand, am waiting for the day that I will get better. Waiting. Time passes by, no matter how you decide to think of it... and kids grow, and change. (and I can even consider doing the reconstruction surgery? Take more time from my family? You already see how well I do recovering from surgery...)

Please Gd, give me these years with my family. It is too hard to be on the sidelines.