No induction, I'll wait till I give birth naturally.

OK, know what? Timing is everything.
This writers workshop... I know it's perfect for me. I completely want to go... but maybe another time.

If I go to this, I'm going to want to submerge myself in my writing. I know myself. Once a creative idea takes root, it implores me to nourish it. I also know that I can't nourish it now. I have other pressing work ahead of me... recovering and being available for my children. I so hungrily want to write this book; my creative side wants to dig right in for a few months and write and write and write. I want this also for healing, I see writing my book as some sort of closure for me. Though, it seems to me that I may not be ready for closure yet. I want to be there-- at the place of closure-- I want that. But as I have said before, shortcuts don't work. I am still in this; the whole medical side of it, the physiotherapy, somewhere in the middle of the journey. The middle started when I got home from the hospital with fragile, painfully fresh surgical deformities/scarring from the NF. Two and a half years later, it is still somewhere in the middle, but pretty far away from that. But not so far away from dealing with the PVNS tumor. I wish I knew where the delineations were, but I just pray that it will be clear when it is supposed to be.

Another practical problem is physically getting to Tzfat. It is a 4-5 hour ride, by public transportation, with transfers. Then I get there, exhausted, and start the seminar. OK, we all know that 4-5 hours traveling for me, unless I am lying down, is too much for my body these days. And Israel's buses are *not* famous for their comfortable seats. Then I sleep in a bed of unknown comfort. I now sleep in a wonderful, perfect mattress for me, and even so, I still have sleep problems. I am not ready for this undertaking- my body isn't ready physically. My spirit, although longing to delve into this writing project, needs also quiet time, healing without drive. Does that make sense?

Then there is the timing issue regarding Robert's trip to the States. He is leaving the next day after I'd get back late the night before. Very stressful plan. I am going into two weeks without him, I need to go into that calmly. The writing workshop could be calming, as well, but it is so far away, that my pain could override the good energy. And what if I have a {{crying}} few days there up north? It would mean possible migraines, and sleep problems. This is just not the time for that. We really can't just "will" something to be right if it's not. We have free will, but we also have to be brutally honest with ourselves.

And lastly, we don't have anything close to a budget for this (about $300 when all is said and done). At the right time, that will fit into place, too, please Gd.

I will write to the seminar coordinator and tell her. I'm bummed, but I feel relieved that I am not putting all my [limited] energies into getting prepared for that (next Sunday already) all this week.

Oh, but how I long to go on a beautiful trip. I want to stay in Israel, and go away just with Robert. We need that very much.

Well, my book will come out when it's ready to come out. Just like birthing.