OK, I have gone back in time a bit more, from last year (on this blog, not CaringBrigde). I came across the the post in which I wished all the Americans here a happy Thanksgiving, exactly a year ago. That was a few weeks before the MRI; the one which eventually diagnosed the PVNS, which I had surgery for about 3 months ago.
I read a few months of posts. I hadn't read backwards, hardly ever. But these past few times I have chosen to read back, I get kind of upset, or impatient with myself. Not the reaction I would hope for, getting ready to start writing my book.
I feel like it's the SAME THING going round 'n round. How do you guys deal with it? I can hardly stand it.
Pain, depression, searching out help, more depression, a few good days scattered here and there, more pain. /S o. m u c h. p a i n./
I am crying as I write this (with Emma faithfully at my feet). I mean, what the heck is ahead, if this is all there's been for two and a half years?
It all feels so pointless. I sometimes really hate this "spiritual opportunity" I have been given. That's just apologetic for 'wow- bad break in life, glad I'm not you!'
Sara, it is really, really, really brave of you to go back and read your long-ago posts. And while it's true that the themes of pain and depression recur, there's a reason for that. You've had 3 serious health crises and the pain is real. You're not in a hopeless loop. You're on a time line and it's been an incredibly challenging and difficult one. Few of us could have endured it the way you have.
ReplyDeleteThe question is, how do you now break away from the pain and depression. I think you're well on your way: first, because you acknowledge that you don't want to live with them any more. second, because you're being proactive: you're going to a new dr. who's got a new approach to things (ask him about adrenal problems, which can make you exhausted). You're doing physical therapy, hydrotherapy. you need to let your body rest a while longer (don't put your full disability from BL in jeopardy by taking on jobs you're not physically ready for).
Since you are on full disability, as Bituah Leumi and your municipality whether you're entitled to help with your kids, such as a Sherut Leumi girl, or special discounts on things. You're already turning things around, but you can't do it alone.
The most important thing is that you're doing is
I agree with everything Michele said. Also, I wonder if now is a good time to go back and read old posts. It doesn't seem to be healthful to you right now since it is still hard for you to focus on the positive from day to day. I think that in order to be hopeful for the future you have to look to the future and not to the past.
ReplyDeleteGood points, both of you. Thank you so much for writing to me, helping me sort all this out. Both of you are such great supports, and I thank you for that. When I write later (hopefully today), I have some interesting developments that may help me out of this funk. Also about getting feedback with my writing, but from a different angle.
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